And another thing

Anonymous also left another stupid baseless comment about how I'm a bad mother because I'm addicted to electronics like texting, facebook, and blogger. Okay where is your basis? Where's your evidence or examples?

I'm sorry but unless you live in my house with me to know what goes on, then you need to shut the hell up. If you'll notice, the timestamps on my blog are all either early morning, before the kids wake up, or early afternoon, during their naptime.

I don't neglect my children's needs to blog, or facebook, or text. I only blog in my kiddo freetime. A lot of times I will go days, sometimes almost a whole week without blogging, simply because the kiddos woke up early, or didn't go down for naps. And when that happens, they take priority.

I know how to balance time with kids and time for myself. And so sorry if I choose to spend my freetime writing, or communicating with my friends. There is nothing wrong, or showing signs of an addiction, in that.

If you actually knew ME, or even have read previous blog posts you would realize that my children are my life, if you want to talk addictions, quite possibly my only one would be spending time with my kiddos.

I don't dump them in daycare because I am a  hands on mom that believes their time is best spent with me coloring, reading, playing, and exploring the outdoors.

So again, I'm done arguing with stupid people. This is not how I want to be spending my free time, the kiddos will be waking up from their nap in about 20 minutes. So I will be spending the next 20 minutes interacting with smart people to make up for the brain cells lost dealing with your idiocy.

LOL at this pic tho, considering they didn't even use the right "your"

Much like you can't fix crazy, you can't fix stupid, so I'm done trying to

This is the last time I'm going to address anonymous, in this blog, because I have better things to do with my time, and responding to idiocy is a fruitless task.

Again, I'm sorry, but you are STUPID. Your comments are stupid. They don't even make sense. First you say "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" insinuating that I am just as bad as my mother.

Then when I call you out on the fact that you can't make a statement like that without backing it up, instead of backing it up with evidence and examples you say "your mother is very sweet she has a kind heart unlike you".

Um, okay. I thought the apple didn't far fall from the tree... so I'm being led to believe that now you think she's a good sweet person, which means, that then, so am I if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I'm sorry, but you're arguments are invalid. They make no sense, and they invalidate each other. Obviously, if you think my mother is sweet and has a kind heart, you are truly stupid, and for that I take pity.

You must be one of the very FEW "friends" that she hasn't fucked over yet. You must still be in the being manipulated stage, not the waking up with your wallet stolen stage. Well your day of reckoning will come.

I'm sorry but your one "anonymous" comment of trying to stand up for her is pretty pointless. I know of at least 50 people that would attest to the fact that my mother is in fact not a sweet or kind hearted person, that she's a cold hearted bitch that uses people for her own gain.

Also, I know of at least 160 people that would attest to the fact that I am indeed one of the sweetest and most kind hearted people they know, and that I always put my true friends and family first, oftentimes falling prey to being a doormat, but to me it's worth it to know that I do right by the people I care about.

So with that, I am done arguing. I'm going to disable the ability for "anonymous" to comment on my blog, because I'm tired of reading stupid shit that makes no sense.

Everything you know is wrong, well almost

If there's one thing I hate more than people leaving anonymous comments on my blog (because to me that just show's that you're a pansy) it's when people leave STUPID anonymous comments on my blog.

Case in point the comment "Looks like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" on my To My Mother entry. Huh? Really? Are you implying that I am in any way shape or form like my mother?

Obviously you are very stupid, and someone who has a problem with me. And since I can count on one hand the number of people in the WORLD that have a problem with me, I know who you are and sorry, but again, your pathetic attempt to insult me has only resulted in EPIC failure.

If you are going to make a statement like that, you need to have some evidence to back it up. If you had given examples on how I'm like my mother, that would have made some sense.

Not a lot, but some. I am NOTHING like her. I have no mental illness, no addictions, no anger issues, no lying issues, I don't hurt my children, or manipulate and use people.

So yeah. Nice try, but didn't work, sorry!

TO MY MOTHER

Okay, now I wasn't going to stoop to this level, but enough is enough. I haven't seen or spoken to my "mother" in over 2 years. And let me tell you, these have been the best 2 years of my life.

Not having to deal with her bullshit or drama or hurtful words 24/7 has been a breath of fresh air. I've occasionally had to deal with a text message or a weepy voicemail from her from time to time but mostly it was just an annoyance I was willing to put up with.

I had always said that if she was to go to rehab, get on some meds that actually worked, and stay on them, and changed, that I would more than welcome her back into mine and the kids life.

It's not like I relish not having a mother in my life, you have no idea what I wouldn't do to have a normal loving mother that was there for me in good times and bad. But I don't have that luxury.

I have a mother that is batshit crazy, with a gambling addiction, an anger problem, lies more than anyone I've ever met, plus she is bipolar and can never seem to stay on a medicine regime that does any good for her.

But she just keeps pulling shit that only serves to piss me off further, and dig her own grave deeper. She will be 46 soon, and if she hasn't changed yet, I highly doubt she will ever change.

But I was always willing in the past to forgive her if she got help and did actually change. But then she sent the text talking about how I was a bad mom and shouldn't have my kids. Really, pot? Meet kettle!

So then I got to the point where I told her that if she ever called or texted me again, I would be forced to get a restraining order. That shut her up. Till she found this blog, and left this comment:

"YOU HURT YOUR MOTHER WHAT IF SHE DIES<GRANDPA I am watching all of you from heaven your mother forgave me for my wrong doings. She is pleasent"

Again, I was to point where I was giving my grandma permission to let my mother have a supervised visit with the kids. Because believe it or not, I'm not that heartless.

I know it must be hard for her to not see her grandkids, but I had to think of the best interest of my children, and seeing how fine a job she did with her own kids, I was hesitant to let her anywhere near mine.

But again, here is where her shooting her mouth off shoots herself in the foot. Now with that lovely little gem of a comment, I no longer am okay with her crazy ass having any kind of visit with my children.

Sigh. Again, I didn't want to have to stoop to the level of bashing my mother online, but enough is enough! A lot of people (mostly my grandma) can't understand why I want nothing to do with her. Well, brace yourselves, you're about to find out!

It all began when I was born, and she went batshit crazy, again, and I ended up having to live with my grandparents because she was in a mental institution.

They should have left me with my grandparents, and sterilized her so she couldn't procreate any further, and kept her locked up and thrown away the key. Because over the last 26 years she has only gotten progressively worse, and wreaked havoc on so many lives.

It really got to the boiling point during my teenage years. She would take off for days at a time on a mental breakdown bender, and go roaming around the streets of downtown Portland, spreading the gospel of crazy because often times she would either think she was Jesus, or some other historical character like Joan of Arc.

We never knew what the hell she was really doing, and whether or not she would even come home alive. I was forced into the role of playing mom to my younger siblings, b/c their own mom was nowhere to be found and they were constanly worried about if she was coming back.

I begged and pleaded with my dad and grandma to have her instituionalized, but they are the worlds biggest enablers of her craziness and refused.

When she was home though, it was even worse. She lost her job both due to her craziness, because she went down to her place of employment snapping belts at people saying they were sinners. And then another time she lost it because she would miss so much work because she'd be off on gambling sprees.

I have no idea how much debt that woman is in due to her gambling problems. But I imagine that between payday loans, and money my dad and grandma bailed her out with, it's in the hundreds of thousands of dollars.

That's the other thing, my mother has bled my grandmother dry for money and it's so very sad. My grandma is supposed to enjoying the golden years of her retirement, but instead she is scrambling for money to make her house payment every month b/c shes given every extra cent to my ungrateful mother.

And I say ungrateful because she is. It's sad, because I know my grandma wants to believe the best about my mother, because that is her daughter.

But if she had any idea the terrible things my mom used to say about my grandma, she would be shocked and saddened. Hopefully one day my grandma will realize that my mom is just using her. Because that is the ONE thing she is really good at. Using people.

But back to highschool. I'll never forget my peer counseling class. It was a class where a group of students would help each other with their problems.

I would always talk about my mother, how awful she was, and the crazy shit she would pull. I knew they thought I was painting her to be worse than she was, elaborating if you will, because how can anyone be that terrible and crazy?

Well then one day on an especially crazy day of my moms, she got a plain white tee, wrote a bunch of bible verses all over it, and then decided she was going to go to my school to preach.

She found me, and she found me while I was in my peer counseling class. So they got to witness firsthand what I had to deal with at home on a DAILY basis.

After she left they all just hugged me and cried and said how sorry they were that they had ever doubted me and how the heck did I survive living with that?

Well the fact is, I barely did. I got tired of the fighting and screaming matches with her, her physcial abuse, I was in fear for my life. So I "ran away". But really, I just went to a friends house a couple blocks over.

I was compltely safe, much safer than I would have been in my own home. And I even called to tell her where I was going to be staying b/c I was a dutiful daughter.

So imagine my surprise and dismay when the cops showed up and forced me to go home. And I do mean FORCED me.

I refused to go back home, I told them that I left b/c she was being verbally, physically, and emotionally abused by her and I was seeking a safe haven at my friends house.

Well when I refused to go, they cuffed me and put me in the back of the police car and hauled me home. I remember telling the cop that if I was dead the next morning, it would be on him.

Because I didn't want to die at the hands of my insane and abusive mother, 2 weeks after I graduated, I moved out.

I wasn't ready financially or otherwise, and that played a big role in my getting married so young, because I felt I needed to in order to survive, escape, etc. But I had to get out. I wasn't going to last much longer there.

I tried to not look back, even though I felt guilty, like I had abandoned my siblings and was no longer there to protect them from her. But I was in survivalist mode, I had to protect myself.

A lot of bad things happened to my siblings while I was gone, and if I had had the guts, I should have called CPS on her and had them taken away. But I just kind of washed my hands of the situation. 

My sister was raped when she was just 13, and I blame my mom. My mom didn't pay attention to my sister, didn't show her the love and support she needed. I know this b/c she never showed it to me either.

So my sister was susceptible to the wiles of men willing to pay attention to her and show her "love". But she was just a baby. And worse yet, instead of getting my sister help and being remorseful to what had transpired, she instead blamed my sister for it, and was of a woe is me, how could you do this to ME attitude.

So my sister spiraled out of control and began drinking and what not, and was actually found my cops passed out drunk at age 15 on the side of the road in the middle of the night. Why they didn't find fault with my mother and take my sister away, I will never understand.

So it really wasn't much of a surprise when at 16 my sister winds up pregnant by some 33 year old illegal alien that took off at the first word of "baby". This was the real breaking point between us.

I knew my sister was in no way shape or form ready for  a baby. She didn't have a job, the father wasn't in the picture. And that was just the financial and logistical aspects.

Not to mention that my sister has emotional and intelligence issues. It's almost as if she just wasn't born with common sense. Nor did her "maternal" instinct kick in.

So I was shunned b/c I suggested that she give the baby up for adoption. My mother called me all sorts of terrible things, my favorite being "Satan". This is where I stopped talking to her.

And didn't talk to her again until my neice was born. She seemed remorseful and upon the urging of my grandmother I made an attempt to repair the relationship.

But then my birthday came and she disapointed my by not showing up to spend time with me, or even calling. She was too busy gambling. So that was when I finally said enough is enough and cut ties completley.

And I have been so happy ever since. I don't have the constant stress of her drama and the way she likes to hurt and manipulate people. Theres no more disapointments, or worrying about what jam she's got herself into now.

So let me just say MOTHER, since I know you've found my blog and are reading it, DO NOT text me, call me, or leave STUPID anonymous comments on my blog.

Because guess what, I'm getting a restraining order, and those anonymous comments aren't really anyonmyous because the police can and will track down your IP address.

So unless you want to go to jail, which really, might be good for you, then I suggest you leave me the hell alone. You are your own worst enemy.

Everytime you say or do something like this, it just digs the hole deeper. I was willing to let the kids visit with you, but now? FORGET IT. How DARE you try to use Grandpa's good name to guilt me into something? You, madam, are the devil.

Please don't come crawling back to me

I haven't posted in 3 days, because the past 3 days have been really off for me, emotionally. I'm not sure if it was like a hormonal thing that just kind of turned me into a girly crying mess or what.

I have an IUD and don't get periods anymore, but I wonder if I don't still get mood swings from time to time. Cuz I defintely felt like I was in a mood swing over the last few days.

It just seemed like everything went wrong at the same time, and it was a culmination of events that just left me going back and forth between being really weepy and really ticked off.

I love my boyfriend, Mr. Wonderful, very much, and most of the time he very much lives up to his name. But this week, he kinda slacked off on the wonderful part, and that was kind of tough to deal with.

I know people have off days, and flaws, and that things won't always be so wonderful or perfect, that's just life. I think the important part is weathering those bad days and getting past the speed humps.

Mr. Wonderful is often late when I want to spend time with him, or sometimes he cancels altogether, or sometimes he just falls asleep, which is really frustrating. At first I thought it was me, something I was doing wrong to cause him to act that way.

But I got to witness first hand how he loses track of time and get's carried away with things like shopping and whatnot. So that made me feel better that it wasn't him intentionally trying to slight me.

But it's still kinda sucky when I get excited about seeing him. I don't get to spend nearly as much time with him as I'd like, and a lot of it is b/c of my work schedule and whatnot, which I'm working on.

So I guess that's why sometimes it upsets me when we make plans and he's late or doesn't show b/c I feel like I'm making a herculean effort to make time for him and he could just take it or leave it. I know that's probably not his intention, but thats the way I feel sometimes, nonetheless.

Our biggest hinderance is communication. He admits he's no good at it. I'm not much better. Why do you think I'm venting in my "diary" instead of telling him?

I can just never think of the words to say that won't make it sound worse than it actually is. I love him, and I think he is wonderful. But sometimes he hurts and/or disapoints me.

In a way though, it's good that he is "real" with me, and allows me to see his flaws. That way I know he isn't just putting on a show. All my exes before seemed great in the beginning and then once they "roped me in" the mask came off.

It isn't that way with Mr. Wonderful. There's no masks. He is what he is, mostly wonderful, sometimes aggravating, haha.

Saturday was just a really rough day, all around. I knew it was going to be a rough day no matter what, simply because it was the date on the calendar that would have marked The Douchebag's and I's 7 year wedding anniversary, 9 years total of being "together".

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't all weepy over that, or missing him, not at all. I just knew it would be rough b/c it would be a reminder of a time in my life where I made the very stupid mistake of not only marrying way too young, but the wrong person all together.

I found this picture thingy that is so relatable to how I feel except in my case it wasn't 4.5 years I wasted with the miserable selfish bastard, it was nearly 9 years. 

I don't like making mistakes or feeling like a failure. And that date was a huge reminder of my biggest mistake/failure. Trust me, I am so glad that it is over, and soon enough will finally be over.

The divorce should be final before the end of this month. And it will be such a  relief, to finally close the book on that chapter of my life forever.

I'm so glad to have moved on and found someone so much more worthy of my love. And not to seem petty, but it's also nice to know that he traded down. When I first met his current girlfriend I wasn't sure if my reaction of REALLY?! Her?! was only because he had left me for her and I was feeling spiteful.

But no, I'm not the only one that thinks he traded down. She is so old, so ugly, and so fat. Not that I'm a supermodel or skinny minny. But shes like twice the size of me, 15 years older, and shows her age pretty bad.

After my boyfriend met her and we were driving away he just started laughing and I'm like "what?" and he's like "your ex is a fucking idiot, he traded down!" but his loss is my gain! :)

But I digress, on Saturday was my cousins memorial dedication. It has been almost 10 months that he died, but it was still a very hard, emotional thing to attend.

And I had to go it alone, because of assumptions made by me and miscommunications with Mr. Wonderful. But I survived.

Just like I survived going to his funeral alone, because at the time I was with the Douchebag who thought going to a baseball game was more important than being my emotional support.

Then to make matters worse my clothes dryer quit working. And my apartments are uber bad about fixing things in a timely manner.

So who knows if it will even be fixed by the time I move. Which is another constant thing weighing on my mind, that I still haven't figured out where I'm going to live yet.

But here my boyfriend was Mr. Wonderful again and let me dry my wet clothes in his dryer. I know I have a great boyfriend, and that I'm lucky. He certainly isn't perfect, and I'm sure theres plenty I do that drives him up the wall.

Sometimes I just think my expectations are too high. I'm not used to just being a "girlfriend". I'm used to being a "wife". So I probably just expect too much out of him, because I'm used to being in a marriage and having certain expecations of a husband.

So I'm going to do my best to just go with the flow, try to be more patient and understanding, and not expect so much from him, so soon.

Oh yeah and I'm so happy

This is what I'm trying to do. Live each day to the fullest, not look back at the past with regret, not look at the future with fear, just live in the moment. Enjoy each and every day, and celebrate all small miracles/victories.

Life is too short to continue being so worried about EVERYTHING. I just need to open my heart, my eyes, and my mind, to the possibilities, and let whatevers going to happen, happen. And just embrace it, with open arms.

I'm not saying to not try to have future goals, or a 5 year plan, etc, but don't base so much of your current life off of what the future MIGHT hold, because honestly, you just never know.

The past year has defintley taught me that 1) Life is precious and can be taken away at any moment, without warning. And 2) That your life can change in the blink of an eye, again, without much warning.

I'm also not saying to be careless and fly by the seat of your pants. I'm just saying, to not be so afraid of what might happen, that you end up not letting ANYTHING ever happen.

My goal this year is to have more fun with my life. With my kiddos, and with my boyfriend. Enjoy each and every moment, hoping it will always be good, but knowing that sometimes that's not the case, and you've just gotta roll with the punches.

Don't ask, don't tell, yeah

They always talk about how babies don't come with instruction manuals (which is very true!) but if you think about it, neither did "life" itself. Sure there are plenty of self help books out there that try to tell you what is the right thing to do in certain circumstances based on THEIR experience, but nobody can really tell you what is exactly the RIGHT thing to do for YOU in EVERY case.

Life is just one big trial and error. Or a maze, if you will. You choose a path and sometimes it ends in a dead end, so you gotta turn around and find the right path. Mistakes will be made, that's a given. The beauty of it all, is how gracefully you handle those mistakes.

You could try to be the person that lies and tries to cover up the fact they chose the wrong path, and try to cheat and find a way over the maze, instead of through it. Or you can be the person that realizes that everyone makes a wrong turn now and again, and not only forgive yourself for it, but others. You just have to own up to it, and try harder next time.

I'd like to think that I fall into that latter catergory. I know I've made mistakes. A lot of them. Maybe even more than your average person does. I'm not going to be as self-depreciating though and list every single one of them here. Some things, can and should remain private (even in "public" diary haha). Plus, that list would take FOREVER to read, because yes, I am HUMAN.

But I also like to think that I have learned from my mistakes, so as not to follow the same paths that I know will end in a dead end. It's harder than you think. Old habits die hard, and sometimes that fear of the unknown comes into play too. Damn that fear, it's always lurking in the background somewhere.

The reason is you

1) I know, I'm blogging a lot more lately, haha, maybe I just don't like authority and since I was SUPPOSED to be blogging for a 30 day Challenge, I wanted to be a rebel and not. And now that I don't have to, I want to. Guess I'm just odd that way haha.

2) I know, I'm being unfaithful to Incubus here with these Hoobastank lyrics, but at the moment, they are so true to what I want to talk about today!

I don't think I was ever a BAD nor terrible person. Most people that know me will tell you I am one of the sweetest, most kind, most caring, most compassionate people out there.

I have a tendency to put everyone else before me. Nobody, except maybe my douchebag of an ex would ever use the term "bitch" to describe me.

Which I know is saying a lot because almost all women have their bitchy moments, it's usually a hormonal thing.

But even when I was pregnant and hormones were running rampant I still never really snapped at anyone haha. A lot of my friends say I am TOO nice, that I need to let my inner bitch out.

Sure I talk a lot of shit on here about my ex and his gf.... but to their faces, I'm very civil. I guess that's something I need to work on, not that I neccessarily want to be a bitch, but that I shouldn't be so passive-agressive, or a doormat for people to walk all over.

Therapy has helped a lot with that, and my new boyfriend as well. Being treated how a woman should actually be treated in a relationship is something I've never experienced before.

Having someone care about my wants and needs, and having someone that actually wants to make me happy, is such a foreign concept to me.

Sometimes it feels like trying to wear a shoe a few sizes too small, uncomfortable, because I'm not used to having the spotlight on me.

I'm used to just being in the background, making the other person happy, bottling up all my needs and emotions.

So while it's very good, it's defintely been an adjustment on my part, and sometimes I feel like I don't know what to say when he's so good to me.

Most of the time I'm like "really? you want to do that for me? wow... " I hope he realizes how much I do appreciate all that he is and what he does for me.

Sometimes I'm just so shocked I don't know how I come off to him. Like the one night when he did the dishes for me after I cooked. Nobody had ever done that for me before.

Or the way he just jumps in and helps with the kiddos. I've never really asked him to do much regarding them, because they aren't his responsibility, like I don't expect him to change diapers and whatnot, but he never hesitates to hold the baby or push the stroller, or carry something for me.

I guess I'm just so used to having to do everything on my own that it's like I just don't know how to accept help without being totally awkard about it. But I think I'm getting better. I'm glad that he likes to help.

I just don't ever want him to feel like I'm taking advantage of him, which is why I try not to ask for too much. But since meeting him, I defintely feel like I have a good reason to start over new.

I want to change any bad habits I've had in the past. I want to be the best girlfriend I can be for him, because I feel like he is everything I could ever hope for in a boyfriend. And I just want to be perfect for him :)

Either choose life or death

That's what I'm trying to do. Starting today. Just breathing. Taking deep breaths. Trying to relax. Trying to not stress or worry so much.

Not to say I should just totally slack off on responsibilties, no, but try to untense a bit, so I don't give myself a heart attack.

It helps a bit that I got my 401k loan today. Not a ton of money, only like $1100. But enough for me to put into my savings account to make it so I can breathe a little easier. Money to fall back on, just in case.

For so long I've lived without a safety net, so I feel much better having that backup in place. So many changes in my life since August. Trying to make as many of them positive changes as possible.

I had gone off my antidepressant about a month ago, since live was going so swell, and I was feeling good. Now sometimes I feel myself slipping into the fog again.

I don't want to have to go back on the antidepressant. I don't like using meds as a crutch. So I'm doing my best to snap out of this funk I've been in.

I want to be the best mom I can be to my kiddos, and the best girlfriend I can be to my boyfriend. And that means I've just got to let go, and embrace life. Don't be so afraid of the future. Just breathe.

One complicates and one simplifies

Hey again, blog. It's me. Sorry I've been so neglectful lately. Apologies to my faithful readers. I will try to update more frequently, but have decided to take a month off from 30 Day Blog Challenges. The whole point is to do an entry a day... not a weeks worth in one day haha. So once things settle down again, we will see. For now, I will just blog as I can.

Remember awhile back me saying how I was tired of being afraid, and that it was time to let go of fear? Well this is still something I struggle with, daily.

Just when I think things are running smoothly, or getting better... Something tends to happen to foul it all up. I know, overall, life is good, and I am lucky, and I really should stop having pity parties for myself. There are a lot of people out there worse off than me.

I have my good health, I have wonderful children, a wonderful boyfriend, wonderful friends, a job, a car, and food in my fridge. Which I know, not everyone can say all that.

And yet, I live in fear. Mostly, it revolves around money woes. Trying now to find a cheap place to live. So many parables to consider. I just have to put my faith in whatever higher power out there that there may be, that everything happens for a reason, and that everything will work itself out in the end. That I'm stressing needlessly.

Life would just be too boring I guess, if it were easy. I guess life isn't meant to be easy. You got to take the good with the bad. I've just got to remember to breathe... and stay focused on the goal. To find  a place to live in 27 days. And to figure things out financially and with the divorce so that I can go back to school to get a better job, so that I won't have to worry so much!

No fear... Don't be afraid... this is just what I have to keep telling myself... No fear... Don't be afraid... No fear...

Problem is,

im still

afraid

I have never

Finally! The last day!

Day 30 - Whatever tickles your fancy favorite

Today I will write about my favorite place that I want to visit someday. I've already lamented on how I've never ridden in a plane... which is so sad for someone like me who loves to travel so much.

And while road trips are plenty fun, there are a ton of places in the world I would love to see someday. Since I love warm weather, there are plenty of tropical places I'd like to visit, like Hawaii, the Bahamas, Costa Rica, Puerto Rico, and Jamaica.

But I'm also quite fascinated with asian culture, so I'd love to visit Singapore, Tokyo, and Seoul. And of course there are many wonderful places in Europe I'd love to venture to: Paris, Iceland, Stockholm, Athens, and Dublin.

I also think Kenya, Trinidad, Tanzania, Sydney, and Cairo would be great as well. But most of all... someday.... before I die, I hope to visit Italy.

Italy is just so diverse... and every city has something amazing to offer! From the Canals of Venice, to the Beauty of Bologna , to the Uniqueness of Manarola, to the Magnificence of the Amalfi Coast, to the Pretty Pavia,   to the History of Rome, to the culture of Florence, to the Wine Country of Tuscany, to the Fashion of Milan... I want to see it all :)

Venice

Bologna

Florence

Manarola

Rome

Milan

Amalfi

Pavia

Tuscany

That kind of girl

Day 29 - Your favorite color

Ha... after all these hard and "deep" favorites... we're wrapping up with an easy one. Nice :) My favorite color is blue. Who knows why everyone has different favorite colors. Why does one color appeal to one person, and not another?

And I don't know if I can say WHY exactly my favorite color is blue, other than I just like it a lot. Both to wear, and just in general. Maybe because it reminds me of a beautiful blue sky... or a calm ocean? It's serene... tranquil... soothing.

But also not boring. There are so many varying shades of blue... from the cutesy baby blue.... to the dramatic navy blue. I like them all, in different situations.

Some people think everyone is born with the tendency to favor one color over another. Who knows why? Some think it has something to do with our personalities. Out of curiosity I looked up what it means for my personality if my favorite color is blue, and here is what it said:

"Blue: Soft, soothing, compassionate and caring, Blue is the color of deliberation and introspection, conservatism and duty. Patient, persevering, conscientious, sensitive and self-controlled, Blues like to be admired for their steady character and wisdom. They are faithful, but are often worriers with somewhat inflexible beliefs and can be too cautious, and suspicious of flamboyant behavior."

Soothing, compassionate, and caring? Check.

Deliberate, introspective, conservative, and dutiful? Check.

Patient, perservering, conscientous, sensitive? Check.

Not so sure if I agree with the self-controlled part. I defintely have my moments there. But getting better. I like people to think I am wise with a steady character? Check.

Faithful, check.

Worrier, check check check. Such a worrier! If worrying was a sport I would be MVP.

I don't neccessarily agree with the inflexible beliefs part. I think I'm pretty open minded. So overall, sure. But not everything matches.

Who doesn't love blue?! Haha

Ponder the thought

Day 28 - Your favorite hope

I have quite a few hopes. I hope that I am able to find a decent place for me and my children to live. I hope that I am able to go to college soon. I hope that I am able to find a better job soon. I hope that Mr. Wonderful and I are going to have a happily ever after kind of story.

But my favorite hope, is with my kiddos. I hope that I am a good enough mom to them to be able to raise them into not just functional adults, but above average human beings. I hope I am instilling in them a selfless compassion, an honest nature, and a loving disposition.

All moms make mistakes, and goodness knows I've made my fair share. But I hope the good memories supercede any bad memories they may have had. No mom is perfect, and I wouldn't want to be perfect anyways, it's our imperfections that make us human, and make us unique. We are all, always, works in progress.

I know I'm not, but a girl can dream!

To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real

Day 27 - Your favorite year

Well in the past... I guess you could say 2006/2007 was one of my fave years... Charlie was born on the tail end of '06 so the last 2 months of that years were pretty amazing, being a new mom and all, and then '07, the first year of his life was pretty good as well.

But being a new mom to him was about the only thing good about those years. The Douche and I had split up shortly after Charlie was born b/c he was of the mindset that he didn't think he should be responsible for the baby, and that his days were better spent hanging out with his friends playing poker.

But we went to marriage counseling and got back together. And things were better, for awhile. He still wasn't much of a help as a father, but instead of going out every night, he went out a few nights a week.

Again should have realized back then that I deserved better, that my child deserved better. But I guess I just didn't know any better. I didn't have a lot of self worth back then.

I believed what he told me about being ugly, worthless, and not important. I just took all the abuse and kept quiet... silently falling apart more and more each day.

I really hope he treats his current girlfriend better... but granted, he treated me great in the beginning too... but over time, his facade fell apart and I was able to see him for the miserable selfish bastard he was.

I wish I could say that 2010 was another good year, b/c that was the year in which Timmy was born.... but we all know that shortly after he was born my life was turned upside down. Of course, now reflecting back, it was the best damn thing that could have ever happened to me, but of course, at the time extremely hard. Change is always hard, even if its for the best.

So I can honestly say, that so far, 2011 is my favorite year. I know we are only 3 months into it, and there are of course some dark clouds on the horizon with dealing with the divorce, and figuring out where I'm going to live, etc, but the positives of this year FAR outweigh the negatives. And I know as the months go by, this year is only going to get better :) My kids are growing and changing and bring so much joy to me... my relationship with Mr. Wonderful is the best I've ever been in, and my love is growing exponentially every day!

I lean against the wind

Day 26 - Whatever tickles your fancy favorite

Ah, another one of these. Haha. I can never think of what to write about! So since I can't think of anything to write about, I will do one of those dumb little things where you put your music player on shuffle and answer questions to the song title thingy. Lame, I know, but hey, I've done lots of writing today. JENN YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Swimming in the Flood [Passion Pit]. 
Makes sense?

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Vanished [Crystal Castles]
Um, maybe?

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Black and Blue [Miike Snow]
This could be taken so many ways...

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Country [Empire of The Sun]
Dunno what to say to that

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Remind Me [Royksopp] 
Haha this works

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Home [Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros] 
Sounds good to me

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Simple Kind of Life [No Doubt] 
I wish

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Zombie [The Cranberries]
Haha suuure

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LOVE?
Serenity [Deepak Chopra]
Yup he makes me very serenely happy!

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Help I'm Alive [Metric]
So true

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Medication [Garbage] 
I swear I didn't cheat! But how fitting since I want to be a nurse haha

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LOVE?
Satisfaction [The Biz]

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Celebrity Skin [Hole]
Ok, whatev

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Can't Take My Eyes off of You [Frankie Valli] I could see that

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Two White Horses [Shortstack] 
WHAT?!

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Daylight  [Matt and Kim]
Kinda works

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Young for Eternity [The Subways]
I wish

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
It Had to Be You [Motion City Soundtrack]

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
As you're Falling Down[Escape the Fate]
It's true, I hate falling

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Follow [Breaking Benjamin]

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
 The Killing Moon [Nouvelle Vague]

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Safe Ride [Cute Is What We Aim For]

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Someday We'll Be Together [The Supremes]
Not sure what that means

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Battle Royale [Does it Offend You, yeah?]
Yeah pretty scary

DOES ANYONE LOVE YOU?
Keys to the Heart [Danny Wright] Yup!

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Hotel Song [Regina Spektor] 
I guess?

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Cuts Down to The Wire [Rumble Club]
Guess I could see that

From the depths of the sea to the tops of the trees

Day 25 - Your favorite month

I'd have to say August. Where I live so much of the year it's nasty and cold and rainy. So summers are very short here, and the best summer month we have is August. And since so much of what I love to do is outdoorsy, then I'd defintely have to say August is the best month!

I can't wait for the weather to get better so I can start doing all the things I love to do, that I wasn't able to do much of the past 9 years because my douchebag ex wasn't the outdoorsy type. He's the sit on his ass and play videogames and ignore his wife and kids type. Sorry, venting a bit, haha.

But now that my boyfriend is so like me... outdoorsy as well... I forsee this August as being the best of my life. We are going to have so much fun hiking, and camping, and going on beach trips, etc.

We are hoping pretty soon here to go on a a helicopter tour of Seaside. Which I am so excited for because I have never been airborne. Never ridden in a plane, or helicopter. I can't wait! :)

What Seaside will look like via the air!

I think I'm onto something here

Day 24 - Your favorite day of the week.

Well right now, my favorite day of the week is Sunday, because Mr. Wonderful is off on the weekends, and lately I've been getting Sundays off, so it's kind of become our unofficial day together :)

It's so nice to be with someone who I enjoy spending time with so much. We have so much in common, and such similar interests that it's easy to have fun together.

When we went to Cannon Beach the other day I asked him where he wanted to go for lunch, because I care about what HE wants, and he said wherever I wanted, because he likes making ME happy.

And I said how about Mo's because their clam chowder is one of my favorite things ever and he's like ME TOO! I was hoping we could go there. But even if we aren't off having fun adventurous together... some of the best time ever is just spent laying in bed cuddling with him and talking and laughing.

And boy does he make me laugh, and smile. It's such a change to be with someone that is actually worth being in a relationship with! No fighting, no nastyness, just happiness :)

Kiss before the sky falls

Day 23 - A photo of you taken recently

Well enough of the depressing drama that is always brought about by dealing with my ex. As scary and as crappy as life can be, worrying about where I'm going to live and how I'm going to support the kiddos, etc.

There is a silver lining in my life right now :) My boyfriend... Mr Wonderful... oh how he lives up to that name :) He makes me so happy. He is so good to me, and I can telll he actually cares about me.

Which is probably the first time a guy has ever really cared about ME. I don't expect a guy to be all about me, nor do I want it, him and his life and needs are important too, and I do my best to make HIM happy.

But it is just such a pleasant change to have a guy that actually wants to make ME happy TOO. I'm used to selfish men... and me not mattering. It's hard to get used to, and hard to not feel guilty sometimes.

But I am defintely one lucky woman... and so much in love :) And it is a great bonus that he likes the kiddos and spending time with all of us. Here are some pics we took on our Seaside trip from Saturday, enjoy!

 Me and my love, Mr Wonderful :)

Me, Mr. Wondeful, and Timmy :)

Me and the kiddos :)

Charlie and Mr. Wonderful :)

Charlie and I :)

Mr. Wonderful and Charlie :)

Me and the kiddos :)

Charlie :)

Timmy :)

I'm over my head

Sigh. I know. I'm 8 days behind. Again. I'm very sorry. I have 2 days to catch up, so I will do 4 today and 4 tomorrow. But before I jump right in, let me explain some of what has been going on lately which would explain why I've been too busy to blog.

As you all know, I'm a single mom. I've been able to make it work the past 5 months since my ex moved out b/c he kept contributing towards the rent/etc. Well now that my lease is up April 30th, I'm facing the challenge of how to make everything work on my $13k a year I make at my job, and the piddly amount my ex is willing to pay for child support.

I've done the math every which way possible, and it just isn't working. So I've been trying for the past 5 months to 1) either find a better paying job. Ha, what a joke in this economy... or 2) find a roomate and/or cheaper place to live.

It would be so easy to find a roomate or a cheap room to rent if it was just me. But it's been a challenge to find either a roomate or a room to rent with the fact that I have 2 kids. Nobody wants to deal with it.

Which I don't blame them, I understand. Much as I knew it would be difficult to date as a single mom... nobody really wants to get involved with that (Luckily I have an awesome boyfriend that doesn't see my kiddos as a bad thing and is happy to date me) but it's also difficult figuring out where me and the kids are going to live on such a limited budget.

Where I live now is pretty much the cheapest place I've found... but I still won't be able to afford it. Intially my plan, hard as it was going to be on me emotionally to let my ex take the kids full time, it seemed to be my only option because it would be much easier for me to find a cheap place for just me, and then if he had them most of the time I could focus on going to school so I could get a better job so that I could afford a place so that I could have the kids back.

But that turned into a huge drama filled fight. So now it's looking like not only will I be keeping the kiddos, which emotionally is the best thing, just not financially, but I'm in a time crunch to figure out where the hell we are going to live, and how the hell I'm going to afford it.

I didn't want to have to drag expensive lawyers into it... but my ex refuses to be fair to me and the kids. All I've asked for is $575 a month in child support.  That's less than 300 a kid. And let me tell you, it costs way more than 300 a month to support a child.

And with me only bringing home 600 a month... yeah... its just near impossible. So the battle is beginning... and the sleepless worried filled nights are back... of just how the hell I'm going to make this work.

Trying to find a cheap place to live, trying to find cheap daycare for the kids so I can try to work more hours, and trying to figure out how much my cheap ass douche of an ex is going to be paying to support HIS children he's half way responsible for.... or so he seems to forget.

We've come this far

Day 22 - Your favorite time of day

I guess that really depends on what's going on... but despite the fact that I'm not really a morning person, I'd have to say mornings. Because it's my favorite time of day with my kiddos where they come have morning snuggles with me :)

And it's also pretty nice when Mr. Wonderful stays the night and I get to have morning snuggles with him too!

I love him :)