Whatever helps you swallow the truth

Now I know techinically this blog is public, and anyone that wanted to, could read it. And I don't mind that... I figure your average person will read a few words and see that it wasn't what they were looking for and move on.

The only forum that I have posted the link to this blog is my facebook, and only people I consider friends can view my facebook, and since I don't tag my blog posts anywhere else, 99% of the people that read my blog, I know are my facebook friends.

But I notice on my stats that someone did a google search of my name... and of course this blog will pop up on that search... curious and curiouser that someone is searching for me... who could it be??

I think I have the answer to that question when I read this "anonymous" comment left by "someone". I didn't post the comment to the blog the comment was left, not because it bothers me, but because it was left anonymously.

I feel everyone is entitled to their opinon, and I won't censor comments, as long as the person doesn't leave them anonymously, that's just stupid. If you have an opinion, don't hide your identity!

Upon reading the comment... I am 80% sure it was left by THE HOMEWRECKING WHORE. I can't think of one other person on this planet that would have something like this to say to me... but, I guess we will never know for sure, will we?

Just because I think it's amusing, I will post "her" comment here, just so we can dissect it!

"He's barely been moved out two weeks! Sheesh. You have no idea what it's like to be a single mom - yet! Boo frickin' Hoo! Grow some back bone and quit whining! Quit calling them names around your kids... they might pick up on it and you'll look like a white trash single mom and nobody will wonder why he left you!"

First of all, I know quite well what it is like to be a single mom, because despite what you say about him only being barely moved out two weeks... ask ANYBODY... friends... family (even his own mother) will attest to the fact that he wasn't exactly father of the year, and really didn't help out with the kids. I was a single mom LOOOONG before I was ever truly a single mom. Getting him to spend time with his kids... change their diapers... wake up in the middle of the night with them... was near impossible. He's a selfish person and that translates into him being a pretty shitty father.

Second of all... guess what.... my blog... my words... my choice... if I want to whine, cry, whatever... I think I'm entitled. I went into the marriage, and motherhood expecting the best... and been given the worst... Had I known what kind of person The Douchebag was and the things he is capable of... I would have never ever married him. And as for having backbone, I finally do have backbone... I was finally able to say no to The Douche when he asked me to take him back for the bazillionth time. I thank the Homewrecker from the bottom of my heart that she gets to deal with his cheatin' ways now... not me! I'm only angry about how this is affecting my kids... and how he's not living up to his responsibilities.

Third of all... believe it or not... I don't call them names around my kids... they may have heard some things that my friends have said... but that's not my fault, everyone is entitled to their opinion. I actually try to reinforce my kids belief that their father loves them and has not abandonded them, even though I know thats what they think and feel, and why Charlie keeps saying things like why did Daddy leave me and I don't like "HER" because she stole my daddy from me. I'm actually a good mom who puts my kids above all else... unlike the Homewrecking Whore who is content to spend the majority of her time with her new boytoy, instead of her kids... I can't imagine only spending a couple hours a day, every other week with my kids... I feel sorry for those kids! They must hate her and hate The Douchebag for stealing their mom away from them. Wow... they really are two peas in a pod lol.

And lastly... I am anything but white trash... that is just someones feable attempt to offend me because I've hit a little too close to home to the truth in my analysis of everything. Truth hurts though, doesn't it? And there is nothing wrong with me... the only reason he "left" me was because I was finally cracking down on his cheating ways and he knew his days with me were numbered... and so he latched onto the first vulnerable, dimwitted piece of ass he could find. I feel sorry for her... truly... I do... but evidently, she deserves it, so I can't feel too bad... but I really can't wait till she either catches him in bed with someone else, or comes home to a note saying sorry met someone better... bye... and then I will laugh my ass off and do my little dance and say "I TOLD YA SO!" And just so you know... ANONYMOUS...

Ah... thank you Anonymous (most likely The Homewrecking Whore) for helping me snap me out of my funk...

Now they leave me just an empty shell

So I'm copying my friend Shannon and doing a "30's days of Truth" thing where I answer honestly a question a day for 30 days about myself. And fittingly enough the first question is...

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

I hate that I feel like an empty shell of myself. I hate that I've let 3 guys ruin me for possibly forever... I wish I were stronger and had more confidence and faith in myself and in the human race that I will be happy again someday. Because as of right now, I feel that is an impossiblity.

I want to feel happiness again. To be able to feel joy in the everyday life that is raising two little kiddos. Right now I feel like I can't really offer them all of me, all of my love. And I hate that I let stupid men steal that ability of me, from my kids. It's not fair to the kids... they did nothing wrong... they shouldn't suffer just because Mommy is unhappy and feels incapable of connecting with them for the time being...

Don't get me wrong... I take care of them and still give them hugs and kisses and tell them I love them, because I do... but I don't know if they can tell that there is just this underlying sadness underneath it all, and I wish I could be the happy fun mommy again.

I hate that I've gone from being a social butterfly and always wanting to spend time with my friends to just kind of... eh... not really making much effort to interact with them because I just don't know what to say about how I'm feeling... or if they even get it. I know they love me and its not fair that I'm letting our relationships suffer just because of the boy drama that has happened in my life lately.

I hate that I miss the way I used to feel about The Douchebag... the way I felt on my wedding day... and wishing, but knowing its impossible to feel that way again... not neccessarily with him... because that ship has sailed, way too many burned bridges, but with anyone... ever again. I hate that I miss The Smooth Operator... and all the sweet things he would say and do... now that I know it was all lies... I feel like so much has been tainted. I even miss something about The Player... the way I felt falling asleep, and waking up in his arms. Again... all just for show... no real true feeling... on his part at least.

I hate that I miss having someone in my life that actually gave a damn about me (or at least pretended to) and I know my friends do... but its not like my friends text or call me every morning when I wake up, asking about, and caring about, how I slept, and the simple fact that I'm still alive. I could die today... and how long would it take before anyone even realized (and again, not being suicidal, just sayin' that something could happen to me, and it would be quite awhile before anyone thought to check...)

I hate that I'm depressed... and that I feel like theres no hope for happiness... I hate that I'm weak in believing the bad things The Douchebag has said to me... I hate that I have so much hate, especially of myself!

What I want, What I need

So last night I put up my Christmas Tree... yes I'm turning into one of THOSE people who just can't wait to start thinking about Christmas so they put up the tree the day after Thanksgiving.

Actually it wasn't so much about that as it was about the fact that I'm free to do as I please now... and The Douchebag never would have let me put up the tree so early, if at all.

He just wasn't into the whole holiday shindig. And I'm not really either (for me at least) but I'm trying to be, for the kiddos. Because I know it's fun for them, and important to them, well at least Charlie anyways.

When he saw the tree last night when he came home from his dad's, the look of awe on his face and the cute little "oooooh" he said showed me that I was exactly right in putting up the tree now for him.

Ah.... The holidays though... working in retail especially has shown me how far we've all strayed from what the true meaning of Christmas should be... and I'm not talking just on a religious level... because for those that know me very well, yes I do believe in a God and all that... but I'm not exactly the type of person that prays everyday and goes to church every Sunday and knows bible verses off the top of her head.

I see people in my family that are like that and part of me wishes I had their faith and conviction... but I just don't... I never have, and I don't know that I ever will.

I do have some faith though... and I do believe I have witnessed a few miracles, so I can't write of the existance of a God completely... but I think theres so much wrong with "religion" itself that I just can't even wrap my head around it, nor do I care to.

 If that makes me a bad person and writes me a ticket to hell... then so be it I guess... because I can't pretend to be something I'm not... and I don't think I'm a bad person... I always put others needs before my own, and do whatever I can to help out someone in need... and I'm not just talking about during the holidays... because people should be giving year round... But anyways.... thinking of the holidays and the dreaded question "What do you want/need for Christmas" And I never really know how to answer that because I'd much rather give gifts than recieive that and I never really know what I want/need anyways.

If I can't answer that simple question of what I want/need for Christmas... how does one expect me to know what I want/need out of life?

Because I really have no idea...

Damn, situations new to me, why?

Well we did it! We survived the next hurdle of singlemomhood... the solo Thanksgiving! Well I really shouldn't say "solo" because we were anything but alone.

My awesome friends, and their awesome family were nice enough to take in us strays and share their Thanksgiving with us.

And I say this with tears in my eyes, I am so blessed, and so grateful to them that they care enough about me and the kids to do that.

This is all so new to me (being single) and some parts of it I like (not being in a crappy relationship anymore) and some parts of it I don't like (feeling alone)... this was defintely a bittersweet Thanksgiving.

My first Thanksgiving in 9 years spent as a single woman... Charlie's first Thanksgiving with his new family dynamic... Timmy's first ever Thanksgiving.

When I gave birth to Timmy 5 short months ago... I thought his first Thanksgiving would have been spent with me and Daddy and Charlie at his Mimi's house with his Poppy and Kami... but instead, he got a different (and I think better) first Thanksgiving surrounded by people who love him! Nick, Shannon, Brodi, Michelle, Mike, Dawn, and Frank!

I can't even begin to imagine what next year's Thanksgiving will look like... will I be in a relationship with someone... spending Thanksgiving with them/their family.... will we have a repeat of this year with our adopted family... or will we do something else entirely?

Nobody knows... and you know what... I'm okay with that, because I know, that no matter what, at the core, I will always be spending Thanksgiving with my two special boys, Charlie and Timmy :)

Maybe I should hold with care, but my hands are busy in the air

Last night we got our first snowfall of the season. And it's only November... I so dread the next 3 months... I mean, sure, snow is pretty and all... but for those of us that actually have to drive in it and whatnot... it's not so great.

If I could just take snowdays and stay home and look at the pretty white stuff then that'd be fine... but no I have to try to get to and from work in it and it doesn't always work out so well, as evidenced by this:

I slid into a guardrail coming home last night... NOT FUN! I really hate snow. Theres just nothing good about it. It's freakin' cold and I hate cold. Don't get me wrong, I hate sweltering heat just as much.

But give me high 60's low 70's and I'm in heaven. Anything hotter or colder sucks. Today reached a high of 27. WTF! And it's only going to get colder. And what the hell with the below zero crap?

May as well just cut off my toes due to hypothermia right now. UGH.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there!

We did it! We survived the first hurdle of single momhood - the solo birthday party. I had stressed so much over this... how was I going to afford it.... well having it at the apartment saved me a lot of moolah (and the fact that thanks to foodstamps the food/cake/drinks didn't cost me anything) so that helped out alot so all I had to worry about was decorations and present!

But then having it at the apartment brought more stress b/c I was worried how I was going to fit everyone in my tiny apartment! But it ended up working out well, like I always say, things happen for a reason, and even though I was sad some people couldn't make it, it was probably for the best because I don't think my apartment could have handled any more people!

Thanks to my Dad, my sister and my niece Natalie, my brother and his fiancee Kalinda, Loryn and Aron, Laurissa, Shannon and Brodi, and Nick for coming make Charlie's 4th birthday party special!

I'm so thankful to have you all in my lives, and wanting to be apart of my kids lives. If you had asked me 10 years ago if I thought that at 25 I would be a single mom to two little boys I would have called you crazy.

But sometimes life is crazy and we just gotta accept the cards we've been dealt. Well you guys have made this an easier pill to swallow! I think Charlie had a good time... having the little kiddos to play with helped.

 He seemed a lil down at moments though... maybe this is only something Mommie's can pick up though. He did ask me once why his Daddy and his Mimi and Poppy weren't there though.

And his missing his daddy is the only reason I agreed to let The Douchebag stop by for a little bit after the party. As much as I hate him and don't want to see him, I knew Charlie needed a daddy fix.

Things went okay, we managed to be civil. It perked Charlie up to be able to show his Dad his presents, and to have Daddy read him a story and tuck him into bed.

It's times like that that make me wish The Douchebag was not a douchebag and that things hadn't turned out this way because I know Charlie misses having a "family", not broken pieces.

But I know that The Douchebag will never really change and no matter how much he says he is sorry or begs for forgiveness, he is not worth my time.

Pins and needles

I did it! Lookie! I wasn't a pansy for once and went through with doing something I wanted yay. And it didn't even hurt at all. Hey maybe I shouldn't be so scared of getting that tattoo now :)

As my therapist likes to point out, I'm a new woman now. I'm not The Douchebags wife anymore, that's not who I should be anymore, or how I should identify myself. I'm whoever the hell I want to be now.

And one of the ways I'm expressing that is by getting my nose pierced. Something I've long thought of but was afraid to do one b/c of the pain and of what the The Doucher thought about piercings being stupid.

The future is on fire

So something I've come to realize is that... I am the master of my own destiny now. I'm no longer subject to the bleak future of unhappiness that would have been my life had The Douchebag and I stayed together.

I get to do things MY way now... and my future is truly going to be what I make of it. Theres so much  I want to do, to learn, to achieve, to change. One thing I'm starting on is learning how to play guitar.

It's something I've always wanted to do, but The Douche wasn't exactly supportive of me trying any new endeavors. He would be the type to put me down for playing terribly and then I would probably just give up.

But I only have people rooting me on now, not bringing me down! And my good friend Loryn is my teacher (and youtube lol) so I know in time, as long as I don't give up I will learn it.

I may never be very good at it, but at least I'll have fun trying :)

Show me your heresy

See this happy little cute picture? This is me and my little family. My little family that is quite happy without THE DOUCHEBAG in our lives.

I wondered how long it would take The Douche to regret his decision to abandon his family for a 40 year old cougar piece of ass. Turns out it only took 4 days of living with her!

Many (including me) had wondered what I would do if The Doucher ever asked for me to take him back. Some (including me) thought I might succumb to his will since I always had in the past.

But turns out, I'm stronger than I thought, and I really have truly gotten over him. Otherwise I would have taken him up on his offer. But I've since realized I'm better than that... I have a lot to offer a truly great guy.

And he is anything but a truly great guy. He and the Homewrecking Whore deserve each other. I wonder if she knows that he tried to get back with me already, and is only staying with her because I won't take him back and he doesn't have anywhere else to go.

Oh well... I guess she'll find out when he finds a new "just gotta have" piece of ass and leaves her for that... Ah... Karma...

A buzzing hive of cell synapsis and nacent self perception

No, I'm not actually tattooed. This is a photoshopped picture of a tattoo I am thinking of getting. I have no tattoos, I am a pansy and I hate pain and needles.

So that is why thus far I have no tattoos... but I really want one. and this is exactly what I want... I'm just not sure how big or exactly where.

I'm waiting too till I reach my weight loss goal because I'm leaning towards doing it on my hip. It's 2 koi fish as drawn by my true love band, Incubus, of course.

And I don't think you can see but the writing is "Charles" and "Timothy" for my boys :) Hopefully someday I will be skinny enough, and brave enough to go through with this!

I've been thinking alot lately also about getting a piercing again. I loved having my eyebrow pierced but I always had a problem of it closing up too soon whenever I would have to take it out whether it be for a surgery or a job interview.

So I've been contemplating either getting that done again, or a nose piercing, or a lip piercing. But again with the needles and pain pansyishness. We shall see. At 25 I'm basically totally rewriting my life story.

What I thought my future would hold, is no longer true. I have no idea what my future hold nows... and a little self reinvention seems neccessary.

Thats why I changed my hair... at least slightly... and why I'm considering tattoos/piercings. Especially since with my current job those things are not frowned upon... may as well take advantage for the time being, right?

It's you I admire!

Ah... my friends... how I love thee! Aside from my kiddos, my friends are THE most important thing in my life. Without them (and my kiddos) life would not be worth living.

They make me laugh, smile, pick me up when I'm down, hang out with me when I'm bored, babysit for me whenever they can, and best of all, no matter what, I know they have my back!

And in return, I hope they realize that I feel the same way, that I will ALWAYS have their back as well, no matter what curveballs life may throw at ANY of us.

I'm not very close with my family family... my mother has a lot of issues (mental and otherwise) and I have not spoken to her in almost 2 years.

It's hard to have to shut out the one person who should always be there for you, the person that gave you life, but in my case, it's most healthy for me and the kiddos if she is not apart of our lives.

And that was a hard decision to make and one I've recieved a lot of flack for, but everytime I start to waver and think, maybe just maybe she's gotten better or changed, I hear about her latest stunt she's pulled and I'm reaffirmed in my decision.

So I'm especially grateful to the fact that my friends have become my adopted family. So in this post, I would like to take some time to talk about all the special people in my life I would be totally lost without. (In no particular order of importance because I love you all EQUALLY! Well actually I'll probably do it in alphabetical order b/c it's easier LOL)

ALEX - I know I can always count on her for a hug when I'm feeling down. Her and I always used to talk about boys because she was having such a hard time  finding a nondouchebag to date. I gave her some good advice (which I have yet to use myself haha) and lo and behold shes now in a very happy healthy relationship, and I'm so happy for her!

ALICEN - I know I can always count on her for pretty much anything. A couch to crash on should I need it, even a place to stay if I really needed it. She's someone you can vent to over coffee at the drop of a hat, she's even willing to babysit! Also, she has a sweet hookup at Papa Murphys hahaha. But that's not the best thing about her, she is refreshingly intelligent and funny as hell! She's in a relationship, been in one for quite some time. Don't know if she's always the happiest girl on the planet, but I know her boyfriend is good to her, and so for that I'm happy for her :)

ALISHA - I know I can always count on her for good advice, or for willingness to babysit! She's a little firecracker who always can make me laugh. Her and I are both living up the single life, so it's nice to have someone to talk to about that, since right now, amazingly enough for the first time ever, so many of my friends are IN relationships, and I'm NOT! She's the friend that THE PLAYER tried to sleep with. But she was smarter than me hahaha and didn't fall for his crap. I know eventually she's going to find a good man (when shes ready!).

ASHLEY - I've known her pretty much as long as I've known THE DOUCHEBAG because they used to be friends in highschool, but it's only recently that weve really become pretty good friends. She was a huge lifesaver to me in going with me to get signed up for foodstamps etc (since the doucher has left me in a pretty pickle financially). I hope she realizes that anything she needs, I'm here for her too! She has a cutie pie daughter too and is married (I think pretty much happily!) So I'm happy for her too!

GRETCHEN - We don't hang out like we should but this girl cracks me up, and I know at the drop of a hat if I needed her to "take someone out" for me, she'd do it. That's an amazing trait in a friend, haha. She's in a great relationship as well, so obviously she's doing something right, I should listen more to her advice!

JASMINE - Always always can count on this girl to be understanding and give great advice. She is my hope for the future. She was in a relationship with a similar douchebag and she was able to survive that breakup of her marriage and flourish. She did the single mom thing with 2 boys, so I know it can be done successfully. She is now in a wonderful marriage with a very loving man and they have a daughter now to add to their brood. Sounds like the perfect future to me, so I know it IS possible!

JENN - I've known you the longest of all my friends, since highschool! You haven't changed one bit, and I love that about you. You just gotta remember "NOBODY CARES!" Hahahaha. No but really, she is so great, always willing to listen to me vent... weathered every single breakup The Douchebag and I went through, always at my side no matter what. She too has had her share of crappy relationships and her and I are both living (and hating I think) the single life. Hey Jenn if you find me a boyfriend, I'll find you one, okay?

JENNIFER JOY - You are a beautiful woman and friend. I'm so happy for you that you just married the man of your dreams! You are always there for everyone, no matter what they need, and I love that about you. You are also quite hilarious, not to mention you are a great photographer. You captured some beautiful moments in my familys life, before it all went to shit. So for that I will be forever grateful that I have something to remember (the very rare) good times by.

JESSICA - I am so sad you moved SOOOO far away! But I know that despite the distance we will probably be friends for the rest of our lives because thats just how cool of a person you are! I am also so happy that you are married to your bestfriend, I know you guys will make it! I can't wait till you start poppin out some babies... don't get discouraged... it will all happen when and how its meant to happen :)

JILL - I think out of all my coworkers you may be the most "real" and one of the most hilarious. I love working with you, I know it's gonna be a good night when I see your name on the schedule. I think EVERYONE says that about you. So know that everyone thinks you're amazing!

KATHRYN - You are probably my most intuitive friend... you're one of those people that is good with doing the "little things" in life that make a big difference. I remember when I was hugely preggo in the summer and I was so hot... all I had to do was complain about being hot.... and you show up on my doorstep with 2 fans! You're always down to babysit, or have us over to make cookies. You too are one of my inspirations that was able to move on from a bad relationship, to now be in a really amazing relationship. I want to be a bridesmaid, just sayin'!

KELLY - You are probably my most honest and outspoken friend. And for that reason alone is enough to love you. You are my inspiration to start blogging! And I'm so glad that I've started b/c it's been very cathartic to be able to just vent and be real and honest, good or bad. You have really turned your life around... have a great job, and a great boyfriend, and I'm so proud and happy for you. If you can do it, I can do it :) And I will be forever grateful that you slapped THE PLAYER for me!

KENDRIA - You little hottie you, you are so gorgeous and I want to hate you for it but you're just so damn loveable, I can't! You are so smart and so grounded and it's so amazing to me because you're just a baby hahaha. I can always count on you to make me smile... and you're one of those people that when I ask "how's things?" you don't just blow me off and go "oh fine" you actually stop and take the time to go "Well..." And then 5 minutes later, I know how things are!

LAURISSA - You are probably the most freespirited of my friends. And you are very wise. I don't know if a lot of people realize that about you, but you are! You don't give yourself enough credit girly. You are Charlie's godmama, so I expect you to always be in our lives, mmkay? :) I'm so glad you finally had the guts to break free of your terrible relationship of the past. And I wish you much luck in your current relationship. But know that no matter what, I'm here for ya :)

LORYN - Losho... Warrant... ah... where to start with you. You are one of my best friends. I don't believe in picking just one best friend, but you're defintely up there kiddo. You have been there for me everytime I needed you. And best of all you are the one person I can count on to literally make me ROFL. Yes, really ROFL. You have been there for me through good times and bad. That is why I chose you to me Timmy's godmama, and what a great godmama you are :)

MARCY - I love you and I love your little daughter Alexis as if she were my own baby. That whole brain tumor scare... rocked me to the core. I think pretty much everybody was determined that there was no way in hell your baby girl was going anywhere... and look... shes still here, healthy and happy. Thats what friends love can do! You are my rock, you show me what it means to be a strong independent woman, who is doing an excellent job at the whole single mom bit. I'm sad you moved kinda far away and transfered stores cuz now I won't see ya as much, but I won't let ya slip away, your friendship means way too much to me for that!

NICHOLE - I think you and I have been through a lot of similar situations, so thats why we relate so well. Especially b/c you are so honest, and thats a trait I really value in people, especially in close friends. You are an amazing, friend, daughter, sister, and babysitter haha. One day you are gonna make a great Mama. I hope you've found that man of your dreams... but if you haven't yet, I have no doubt that one day you will!

NICK - You are my best guy friend. Perhaps really my only guy friend, lol, but still, you know what I mean. You have always given me great advice. I didn't always take it, but now that I know your advice is so good, I will be more dilligent about listening to you in the future! You've been a great shoulder to cry on through all this mess, I just wish you would cry back on my shoulder every now and again. This friends helping friends street thing goes both way ya know, you can't always be helping me, I want to help you too! Nobody should have to go through anything alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I think all your friends can attest to this.

OLGA - You are such a strong woman, I admire you. I know you joke that its easier to be single, but you and Josh are just so cute together, and you guys with David make such a beautiful family. I hope soon you guys add onto that family... one of my friends needs to have a baby now...because at 5 months I can't even see Timmy as a little tiny baby anymore, little tiny babies are sooo cute! No but really Olga, I love ya, you are so honest and giving, you are amazing!

RACHEL - You are probably one of my most steadfast friends. Very true to yourself, and you don't let anyone sway you in your thoughts or beliefs, and I admire that so much in you, I wish I could be more like you! I know you say you don't need men, and will probably never get married... but I have to hope that someday you will feel that spark and be in love, at least once, for a little while, because its something everyone you get at least a little taste of :)

RAY - You are amazing! I don't know how you do it! You're such an incredible mama to those little twin girls :) I'm so happy that you met Xavier and you're living out your dreams! I can always count on you to make me laugh or tell it like it is!

SHANNON - Oh my Shannon... You have been my biggest help and my biggest ally through this whole breakup with The Douchebag. I know you will always be there for me. I am so sad that you are now going through a breakup of your own. You just gotta remember that the same strength you've shown me, and want me to have, you need to have that too. I will always be your help and ally through whatever you have to go through. Know that you are a great person that has a lot to offer, don't ever forget that. Don't get so bogged down in your emotions that you forget who you are. Everything happens for a reason. I know in the end you will perserve and you and Brodi will get through this and make it out better and stronger people for it. :)

You Make Me Happy

Yes, I'm talking to you kid! My Charlie Brown, my Charlie Tuna, my Sir Charles, my little bug. YOU (and your brother too of course) make me soooo happy! I'm such a lucky Mama to have you, and little Timmy for sons.

Oh my Charlie boy. I of course love my lil Timbo equally as well, but he has only been in my life 5 short (but wonderful months). Charlie however turns 4 on Thanksgiving! I know its cliched and I know every parent says this... but time does fly... and I cannot believe how fast kids grow up! It seems like just yesterday they put the little baby in my arms. And now he's a walking, (back) talking kid. Not a baby, not a toddler, not anymore. An actual KID. Before I know it he will be going to kindergarten. Then middle school. Then highschool. Then college.... ack!!!! Just the other day I was driving and he said to me "Mommy when I'm older can I drive your car, I think that would be fun!" And I said sure. And then he said "Okay Mommy I'm older now!" LOL.

Even though Charlie looks an awful lot like his douchebag father, and even though he does have his fathers temper and stubborness, I still love the kid no matter what. Plus, the less time he spends around the douchebag, the better behaved he is, go figure!

All in all I think I have pretty great kids. I'm one lucky Mama!

I may not be the best Mama always... I know sometimes I lose my temper and yell... but I'll always love ya kid, and I hope you'll always love me, no matter what :)

I met the mirror

And I didn't like what I saw at all! Somehow I had let being in a bad marriage and giving birth to two babies take me from a slim and sexy size 8 to an ugh, don't even want to describe how I felt size 24!

I finally decided no more! I was a skinny girl trapped in a fat girls body, and the skinny girl wanted back out! I have since totally changed my lifestyle.

Where before I would dread exercise, I now seek it out as often as possible. Where before I didn't care what I ate,  now I watch what I eat oh so carefully. And it paid off, I lost 40 lbs in about 4 months!

Then depression took over and now I rarely feel like exercising, but I'm still losing weight, 13 more lbs to be exact this past month, simply because I'm so sad I don't feel like eating.

And every time I do end up forcing myself to eat, I get sick shortly thereafter. I know this is bad. I'm working to change this.

But I must say, losing 53 lbs in 5 months and going from a size 24 to a current size 14 has been amazing. But I am still nowhere near my goal of being back in a size 8.

Most people would still consider me "fat" at a size 14. But all I know is... I feel soooo much better than I did when I was wearing size 24 pants! And I know that eventually I will meet my goal and be a size 8 again.

I've just gotta get back on the healthy track of losing weight due to exercise, not from lack of eating!

Love hurts...

But sometimes it's a good hurt. If you hadn't noticed by now, my favorite band EVER is Incubus and their music is a big part of my life so it shouldn't surprise you if their lyrics drift into my blogs.

But it's so true. Love does hurt. Love really sucks sometimes. But other times it's really great. I guess you just have to take the bad with the good. I love my kids and I love my friends, and thats a good love.

I loved The Douchebag, and that brought me nothing but misery. I started to fall in love with The Smooth Operator and that ended badly as well. But hey, at least I loved, at least I tried.

And I'm willing to do it all over again, with someone new, and hope to hope that it turns out right this time. I did love The Douchebag, for a long time. But I've also been out of love with him for a long time.

It's just the letting go of that old love, that wanting things to be the way they used to be, that's been hard. I know The Douchebag is not good for me, I know I do not love him, and I know he does not love me, and I know I deserve better. WAY better.

And eventually, I will find it. But it's just this in between stage that is hard to get over. That and the fact that despite my unloving him, and putting up with his crap, HE was the one to leave.

When it should have been me. The fact that he left me for The Homewrecking Whore was just like a slap in the face. He moves in with her tomorrow, Saturday, November 13th.

He moved out of our apartment to live with his mom just this Halloween. So yes, from July to almost November he and I lived under the same roof, apart romantically, and hating each other.

As glad I am to have him gone, and not have to deal with his bullshit, his belittling, and the neverending fights, it's still been rough.

It was hard to have him on the couch, having had his body next to mine in bed for the past 9 years. So that was a change. But at least he was still here, offering some sort of, protection, whatever.

Now that he's not even on the couch anymore, and living somewhere else entirely, its rough. I've never lived alone before. I went straight from living with my parents in highschool, to living with him.

And I know I'm not entirely alone, I have my kiddos, but sometimes that makes it harder because now I have two little lives I have to worry about protecting, and not just my own.

I don't sleep much... every little noise I wake up. I've thought about getting either a dog, or a gun. But neither choice seems too appealing.... someone told me a fire extinguisher would work quite well for a form of defense. Blind and confuse them with the spray, then bash them over the head with the canister. We shall see.

As much as I wish I could say I wish The Douchebag and his Homewrecking Whore love and everlasting happiness, I really can't, because ONE, I hate them both because they totally went about things the wrong way and screwed me over. And TWO I just KNOW that they won't last.

Their romance is ill-fated and matched, from the get go. EVERYONE can see this (even my therapist!) well I should say everyone, except them. Because you know how it is in the beginning for two star-crossed lovers.

 They think their love will conquer all, and they will live happily ever after. I honestly will be shocked and amazed if they are still together 6 months from now. So come May 13th, if they are still together, I will eat a tomato (because I hate tomatoes!). Here are all the reasons they won't work:

1- the age difference. He's 25, she's 40. Thats a 15 year difference. Creepy now, yes, but even creepier when you think about when he's only 35 she will be 50. YUCK.

2- they are both going through divorces, leaving one serious long term relationship, to jump right into another one. They are each others rebounds.

3- shes a cougar, which means she likes him right now only because it makes her feel like hotshit that a young guy is attracted to her. Especially since shes going through a divorce, she needs that ego boost right now. But the high will wear off, it always does.

4- he's looking for a sugarmomma, less responsibility, and someone that thinks he's fun/funny. Right now shes fulfilling that for him, but down the road, he will regret what he gave up and realize that he traded 80% of what he needed for 20% of what he needed.

5- he hasn't gone through any personal therapy, and neither has she, so they are both bringing all their old problems and baggage they had with their previous relationships, into their new relationships, so their relationship has no chance of being healthy.

6- he is so immature. Right now she can probably overlook that and make excuses for it because they are still in the new fun stage of things, but eventually, she will get tired of having a 5th child (yes she has 4 kids).

7- her kids are going to hate him because hes much closer in age to them (the oldest is 16) than he is their mom, so they are going to think they are both nuts for being in a relationship together. And his kids will hate him because he left them, and their mom, for some skanky old grandma.

8- he is into some really kinky shit sexually. Stuff I refused to go for. It was a sticking point in our relationship, and part of what caused him to cheat. He has already admitted that she is even less sexually adventurous than I, so pray tell, how is she supposed to keep him satisfied?

9- he is a serial cheater. He will cheat on her, he already has. She doesn't believe it yet, but eventually when the truth is staring you in the face time after time, she will eventually have to accept his true nature. And if she has any self respect at all, will kick him to the curb.

10- he has nothing to offer. He is selfish and self serving and immature. He has a crappy job and no desire to better his postion in life. His ideal life is playing poker and video games. That will get old, real fast. She will want someone who is successful, her equal, someone who has something to bring to the table, and can actually hold an intelligent, adult conversation. And someone who will actually put her first. He may be putting on a bit of a show right now for her, he did that for me too in the beginning. But eventually she will realize that she will always only an option, not a priority to him.

Wow just like that I can name 10 legit reasons why they are gonna fail... I can't think of one single reason why it will last... can you? If you can, I'd sure like to know. All I know is... when it fails, and it will, he better not try to come crawling back to me, because by then, I hope to be in a fabulous healthy relationship of my own with a far better man!

And since I can't post an actual picture of the Homewrecking Whore (lawsuits silly goose!) here is a picture of how I imagine her 40 year old self looks. So really... he traded a 25 year old me in for a 40 year old HER? MMMKAY!

It is a circle, there is a plan?

I'd like to think that everything happens for a reason. If I didn't have this belief, I would probably go crazy, and be even more depressed than I already am!

I have to think that the only reason why I stuck it out so long in a bad marriage was because I was meant to have my second baby, Timmy. That little boy just wanted to be born so bad apparently!

I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and that made it difficult for me to concieve my first baby, Charlie. We tried for TWO years to get pregnant with him.

And during those 2 years I suffered two heartbreaking miscarriages. The first pregnancy was twins (yes my father was a twin so I often times ovulate 2 eggs) we lost baby A at 6 weeks gestation, and then lost baby B at 12 weeks gestation.

That quite possibly was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. The second miscarriage was heartbreaking as well, but having been through it before, not as devastating.

That baby was lost at 5 weeks, so I had just barely found out I was pregnant when I then proceded to lose it.

So by the time I got pregnant with Charlie, my entire pregnancy I was on pins and needles, afraid I was going to lose him. But I didn't!

Despite a preganacy frought with problems (unexplained bleeding, a car accident, severe hyperemisis (vomitting up to 20 times a day for 6 months and losing 40 lbs) having an allergic reaction and ending up in the ER due to anaphylatic shock, preterm labor, and preeclampsia) I had a very healthy baby boy in my arms finally!

After having Charlie my PCOS only got worse and despite undergoing hormone therapy for a year I was basically told that if I ever wanted to try to have another child I would have to take fertility drugs to get pregnant.

So The douche and I stopped using protection, thinking that it was impossible for me to get pregnant on my own. And we were right. FOR THREE YEARS.

But then The Doucher and I split up last year because I found out he was having an affair with his 45 year old coworker (yes he has a thing for cougars apparently).

I thought it was over then, but he supposedly came to his senses begged me to take him back and we went to couples therapy. After a month of that we got back together and made up.

And apparently made up so well that it resulted in my miraculously getting pregnant with Timmy! Timmy's pregnancy was far easier than Charlies, although it wasn't fraught with some heartache as well.

Timmy started out as a twin, but baby A never developed further than 5 weeks. Again, here I like to think that everything happens for a reason.

God knew that I would have a hard enough time being a single mom to 2 little boys... I probably couldn't have handled being a single mom to a 4 year old and newborn twins!

Despite my woe is me attitude about having to be a single mom, I still love my kids and wouldn't trade them for the world.

And I have to believe that the reason I had to suffer so much heartache from their father is simply because I was meant to have these children.

And for that I will always be thankful, and I can't have too many regrets about my failed marriage. I'm trying to look at it as a learning experience... that's what keeps my head up!

Why are you crying?

I hate when Charlie asks me that question... so I've resolved to try my best to not cry in front of him anymore. But sometimes its unavoidable.

I think the marriage breakup has been hardest on him, most of all, and that, is usually, why I cry. Not for myself, or my own pain, or betrayal, or loss, but for his pain, his loss.

He's old enough to understand that something is amiss, but not quite old enough to understand that what is going on is not his fault, and that eventually, it's all gonna be okay. So that's hard.

How to you explain this mess to an almost 4 year old little boy? The Douchebag really hasn't had any sort of "talks" with him to explain whats going on, so it's on  me to try and make his world right, when so much has gone wrong.

The Douchebag gets to shirk his responsiblities at home and go start his new fabulous life with (oh we shall give her a codename as well) "THE HOMEWRECKING WHORE", and I'm left to deal with the fallout.

 I'm the one that every morning has to answer the question "Where's daddy?" and I'm the one that every time I pick the kids up from being with their dad has to answer the question "Why isn't daddy coming home with us?"

It's not fun at all, let me tell you! All I can do is reaffirm to him that I love him and that I (unlike his father) will NEVER leave him. Being a single mom is NOT easy. Being a single mom to 2 kids is NOT easy.

Being a single mom to two boys is NOT easy. But I'm determined to make it work. I have to, my kids mean the world to me.

I know eventually Charlie will be okay... he will come out of this with some scars though, and there's nothing I can do to change that.

But he's making progress, last night was the first night ever since the doucher moved out that Charlie slept the whole night in his bed.

He had been climbing into bed with me in the middle of the night wanting to make sure I was still there and snuggle. I think he gets now that Mommy isn't going anywhere.

An ominous landscape of never-ending calamity...

Okay, now you're almost all up-to-date with my love life, theres only one more slimeball to tell you about!

This is my 2nd failed relationship attempt, post breakup with doucher.

This wonderful specimen of a human being will be referred to as "THE SMOOTH OPERATOR".

This guy... wow.. where to even start with him? He had me soooo fooled. And he had his wife sooo fooled. Yes, wife, turns out the guy I was dating for 2 and a half months was friggin' MARRIED. Not even seperated. According to his wife, she thought happily married for 10 years! OI!

I should have known better. If you post a personal ad... this is the kind of guy that is tempted to reply! But alas, I had put my pride aside and had hoped that my plea to the dating cyber space gods would be heard and it would bring a decent man into my life.

I THOUGHT I had hit the jackpot with The Smooth Operator. I thought he was sooo perfect. THE ONE! Everything about him was great and I was tickled pink that I had hit one out of the park with this one.

He answered my post and the more I talked to him, the more wonderful I thought he was. He was a single dad to a 2 year old daughter he had full custody of. He had been divorced for a year.

 He had his own house, cars, and a great job. He was handy when it came to working on houses and cars, and he knew how to cook, clean, and do laundry. He volunteered, gardened, and recycled.

Just an all around amazing guy, right? So of course I agreed to meet him. And so I did, and it was instant fireworks. I had the best time ever with him! He made me laugh, smile, and feel special.

It had been a long time since I felt that way. We agreed to get together again, and so we did, again and again for 2 and a half months.

I thought it was a real relationship... he kept insisting it wasn't about the sex for him, and often times we would go places and hang out and sex wasn't involved, so I believed him.

But I should have caught onto his game sooner. We used hotels for some of our, um, fun times, because at the time my ex doucher was still sharing the apartment with me (more on that in another blog, I'm sure) and since his daughter was home with a sitter we both agreed a hotel would be the best bet at the time.

He always paid for it, but always in cash, and he made me put it on my card not his. He always had a convienet excuse, his card broke in half, or it wasn't working right, or he forgot it. And I fell for it.

Because I was so head over heels for him. Not all the way in love, but starting to fall in love. I started to get frustrated though because one would think that after almost 3 months of dating he would have been ready to get more serious, invite me over to his place, introduce me to the kid, friends, etc.

But when that never happened I got suspicious... and then of course frustrated with the fact that he was always busy with "work" and we didn't get to spend as much time together as I'd like.

Well come to find out it was all because he was married! Ugh.... After so many times of being cheated on, I had become the "other woman" and even though I had no idea I was such, it still made me feel like shit.

And I hate him for putting me in that position. I hate that I totally had to shatter his wifes world when I told her about our relationship. I just hate him, period. I was so fooled by him, The Smooth Operator.

I highly doubt I was the first person he ever cheated with. He was way too good with his game, and an even better liar than The Douchebag and The Player.... So ladies, if a guy seems too good to be true... he PROBABLY is!

Again, can't post his actual pic.. but I imagine this as the face he made when he realized he was soooo busted!

Sex, sex, is all I heard...

Ah now it's time to tell you about the first failed relationship post my breakup with the soon to be ex-husband (douchebag, if you will).

Again, we will use codenames here and this lovely individual deserves the title "THE PLAYER".

I met this gem off a dating website... gasp, yes I know, I stooped to that level, haha. But honestly, where else am I supposed to meet men? With 2 kiddos at home it's not like I'm hitting the bars or clubs every weekend. And I defintely don't want to date a coworker... so where pray tell, are all the available men to be found, if not online?

Anyways I met him off POF, or as it should be called, POS, since thats the type of men it seems to attract.

The player lied about pretty much everything on his profile, from his height, to whether or not he smoked, to what kind of relationship he was looking for. At the time of course I was unaware of this.

But yes, he looked alright from his profile so I agreed to talk to him, and eventually we met. Things seemed great at first, he seemed like a gentleman, a sweetheart.

So I fell for it hook line and sinker when he said he was tired of casual dating, and wanted a serious relationship. That the last thing he was looking for was a "hookup/bootycall".

First date went great and seemed to reaffirm my belief that he was the real deal.
Fast forward to the SECOND date, yes, SECOND date, and he's trying to get me naked!
I should know by now that if a guy wants to get you in bed by the 2nd date, he does not actually want a relationship with you, he's just using you!

But, again, that hopeless romantic in me took over and let myself believe that he was just so attracted to me that he just couldn't help but want me. And yes, theres some sort of thrilling power in that.

Although we jumped into bed way too soon, things still seemed to be on the up and up relationship wise. He had me over all the time, introduced me to his mom, cooked me dinner, and when I spent the night with him he held me all night long. I had so missed falling asleep in someones arms.

Fast forward 3 weeks later... he's at a  party that 2 of my friends happened to be at. I had spoken of my relationship with THE PLAYER to these 2 friends, so they knew who HE was and that I was "with" him.

So imagine their (and my) surprise when he tries to get one of those friends to have sex with him! I wasn't there, so I don't know all the details, but basically when confronted about his relationship with me, it was said that I "didn't matter" and he denied ever sleeping with me. NICE!

Needless to say, that relationship, up in flames. Luckily I didn't get too emotionally invested in him, but it was still a pisser! Now after the fact, in talking to some of his friends, I now learn that he has always been a "player" that he was known as a flavor of the week kind of guy. Wow... I can sure pick em, eh?

And now again, can't post his picture, but I can leave you with a picture of someone who shares the same hairstyle as him...

Some think I'm insane...

For how many times I took back my husband after he cheated, and for all of the crap of his I put up with over the years.

For this blog I will refer to the men in my life by codenames... I really don't need any lawsuits right now!

For my soon to be ex-husband we shall call him "THE DOUCHEBAG" which will sometimes be shortened to douche, doucher, or dbag, depending on my mood.

It is quite sad that it took THE DOUCHEBAG finding "someone better" and leaving me, for the troubled marriage to end.

A lot of my friends and family thought I should have ended it after the first time he cheated on me. Most of my friends and family thought I should have ended it after the second time he cheated on me.

ALL of my friends and family thought I should have ended it after the THIRD time he cheated on me. But, I'm one of those hopeless romantics that actually believed in my vows... in sickness and health... for better or worse... till death do us part.

Until one of us was dead, I was willing to try everything to make it work. MISTAKE! I sacrified so much of myself, and my own happiness in trying to make myself into something I'm not... only to TRY to satisfy the douche.

But no amount of my changing, or marriage counseling could change the fact that I just simply married the WRONG man. And a very BAD man at that. He is quite possibly the worlds most selfish human being.

And he has no sense of morals or values. I don't think he even knows what it means to love, or if he does, he only loves himself. He's a serial cheater. Always has been, always will be.

He's already cheated on his girlfriend that he left ME for. But of course, she, like me, is still in the denial stage. Eventually she will see him for who and what he really is, and hopefully unlike me she will have the guts to end it, instead of waiting till he finds a new piece of ass he just has to live with.

Since I obviously can't post a picture of the doucher on here (again, lawsuits and all) I leave you with a photo from the movie WHATS EATING GILBERT GRAPE because the character Arnie, reminds me so much of the dbag!

Need to spill!

So I suppose I should give you a little background, eh?

Let's see I'm 25 years old. So that means I'm a quarter of a century old. Kind of depressing to think of it that way!

I am a mommy to two wonderful little boys that mean the world to me. Charlie who is almost 4, and Timmy who is almost 5 months!

I am currently going through a bitter nasty divorce. But aren't they all that way? My husband, who I was with almost 9 years up and left me for some 40 year old soon to be divorcee he met in his poker league. NICE!

I have an amazing group of friends whom I love and cherish and who have been there for me through every dip and turn I've had lately in my life. Without them, and my kids, I would not have been able to weather this.

I have been split from my husband since July. And since then I've had two relationships that have ended in disaster! I defintely do not have luck with men it seems... that or I'm just attracted to bad bad men!

I started therapy 4 weeks ago, and so far so good. I really like my therapist, he gets me and doesn't pull any punches and tells it how it is and won't let me get away with "wishywashy" answers haha.

Basically I'm just your everyday average working single mom who is trying to make sense of this thing called life... and trying to see if theres still hope yet for me romantically.

So welcome to my crazy world... I imagine my blogs will consist of ramblings about motherhood, my exes, my dating prospects, work, my friends, life in general. Hopefully I will blog every day, or at least weekly!

No one to answer to!

That is just about the only good thing I can think of about being single.

Hello there... my name is Amanda and this is my foray into blogging.

I've long contemplated making a blog but I just never thought my life was THAT interesting that anyone would actually want to read about it.

But then my life took a drastic turn!

And I find myself with lots of thoughts and feelings I'd like to express, but nowhere to voice it.

So who cares anymore if anyone actually wants to read what I write! I want to think of this as my own diary... something to look back upon 5 years from now when my life is (hopefully) much better!

If someone wants to read it and get a laugh out of it, or perhaps learn from the many, many, many mistakes I always seem to make, well then so be it.