Even straight roads meander

Well boys and girls... 30 days of truth is over... now what?

I suppose since it is New Years Eve, I could do a "YEAR IN REVIEW!" type thingy...

January... I was 4 months pregnant and it was that month that we found out we were having another boy, and we decided to name him Timothy Alexander. That month also brought my 25th birthday... I was a quarter of a century old!

February... I was 5 months pregnant with Timmy and so glad to be halfway done... Little did I know that this would be my last Valentines Day with the Douchebag... and I should have known something was amiss because we didn't do anything for it, nor did we even exchange cards or presents. Most likely because this was the month in which he met The Homewrecking Whore.

March... I was 6 months pregnant with Timmy and we had got some good news. We got quite a bit more back on our taxes then we expected and coupled with the fact that the Douchebag was interviewing for a good (his current) job that I found for him, it was looking like we were finally going to be moving out of his parents place and into our own apartment after 2 years of waiting!

April... I was 7 months pregnant with Timmy and this month brought Easter which was fun for Charlie, The Douchebag's and I's 6 year (and last) Wedding Anniversary (8 years of being together total) and again, should have known something was amiss b/c we didn't do anything romantic for it, he guilted me into going to a baseball game with him.

May... I was 8 months pregnant with Timmy and he tried to come early! Luckily I was able to keep him in long enough to be a healthy baby. This month was the month we finally moved into our own apartment!  We also had family photos taken... the last "happy and whole" pictures I have of my "old" family. This is also the month that the Douchebag finally got his new job.

June... I was 9 months pregnant with Timmy... had his babyshower... and then he came into our lives on June 18th... and then just a few days later I lost my beloved 18 year old cousin Victor... he died in a fall while hiking in the gorge... attending his funeral just days after coming home from the hospital by having a baby via c-section was tough, both physically and emotionally, but it was important for me to be there. But again... should have known something was amiss because I had to go home right after the funeral instead of going to the wake because it was more important to the Douchebag that he go to a baseball game.

July... Timmy was 1 month old... I was still off work and enjoying that... but struggling adjusting to being the mom of a 3 year old and a newborn... and I wasn't getting much help from the douchebag b/c he took advantage of me not having to work and left me alone with the kids all the time while he went out and had fun... little did I know he was having "fun" with the Homewrecking Whore. My uncle had a heart attack this month... but he's doing good now!  This was also the month I started my bookclub, and my weightloss journey.

August... Timmy was 2 months old. I had to go back to work and give up nursing.... that was hard but  I was losing weight like crazy though, and I had a "makeover". Then on August 18th... my world totally changed. The Douchebag told me he didn't want to be married anymore. I basically flipped the fuck out and went a little nuts. Started dating way too fast, trying to fill the void in my heart. Jumped into a relationship with The Smooth Operator just 10 days later... and it was probably my eagerness to be wanted again that had me with blinders on for so long that I didn't realize until almost 3 months later that the dude was shady... and very much married.

September... Timmy was 3 months old... I basically threw myself into everything full force, trying to take my mind off my situation and my shattered heart... Threw myself into working out and losing weight, threw myself into spending time with my friends, threw myself into dating The Smooth Operator... I had a lot of fun times this month.... despite the underlying layer of sadness. I really realized what amazing friends I have and did a lot of good things like Race for The Cure again, and the Autism Walk for the first time. Had my first bookclub meeting.... tried to adjust to my new reality. Spent a lot of time with my kiddos... going to the zoo and whatnot.

October... Timmy was 4 months old... I was still throwing myself into everything full force, trying to keep busy... spent a lot of time with friends and family.... went to a lot of parties.... started teaching myself guitar... took a break from dating The Smooth Operator for a little bit b/c he was "busy with work" jumped into a relationship straight from that to the one with The Player, which also didn't end well. Started therapy because I realized I wasn't really dealing with my emotions and issues the right way... I was just putting myself in situations with guys that made me feel worse. The Douchebag finally moved out this month b/c initailly we had agreed b/c of financial reasons that he would stay on the couch until the lease was up, but we just couldn't stand the fighting, or each other anymore.

November... Timmy was 5 months old. I had just ended things with The Player, and was back with the Smooth Operator when my world came crashing down again after I found out he was married... I decided at this point to not neccessarily give up on dating... but to try to take things slower... and be more picky about finding a good guy. And to be content to not jump into another serious relationship again, to enjoy being single. It's been hard, but its been the right thing to do. This month brought Charlie's 4th Birthday... And my first real "solo and single spent" holiday, Thanksgiving. But again here is where I knew I had amazing friends that were there for me to help me see it through. The Douchebag moved from his parents house into an apartment with the Homewrecking Whore this month as well. It was also this month in which I started my blog, so that I would have a place to vent where only people that wanted to read about it, could.

December... Timmy is 6 months old. I am totally single and okay with that. I'm on the road to happiness once again. I started taking an antidepressant and it has helped me find my balance again. Christmas was hard and bittersweet... but I'm defintely ready for this year to be over. I had many blessings and good times the first 6 months of the year... and the last 6 months have defintely been the worst of my life. But I'm still here, I'm still perservering.

A kiss to send us off

Today is the last day in 30 days of truth. And I've decided I don't feel like exploding anymore... so I guess I will still be around to continue writing this blog...

Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Dear Amanda,

I'm going to make this easy and just list everything I love about you:

- you are courteous, gentle, polite, quiet, reserved, respectful, shy, and unpretentious. There are enough pretentious people in the world, you are content to not be one of them.

- you have a decent sense of humor, you love to laugh, and try (sometimes unsuccessfully) to make others laugh, but you can always laugh at yourself, and not everybody is comfortable enough in their own skin to do that.

- you may not love your body at the time being, but you are actively working to get it to be something you can love, even still, you have enough self-confidence to think you are an attractive person, but yet still maintain a nonegotistical picture of yourself. You know you have flaws and are able to embrace them and make the best of them.

- you don't fold to peer pressure, you remain true to yourself at all times.

- you are clever, crafty, sassy, and usually fairly intelligent.

- you are a good mother,  nurturing,  and protective.

Okay I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead haha...

Signed,
Me

Could you want perhaps me?

2nd to last day of 30 days of truth... I wonder if I really will explode when I'm done with this... ahahahaha

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I've already talked about this to some extent in previous blogposts, but the simple answer is my weight. I've been on a weightloss journey now for 6 months, and have lost 58lbs.

When I say that number aloud, and when I look at old pictures of myself... it is amazing to me how much better I look and feel having lost 58lbs already.

But then I look in the mirror or look at myself in the shower and I'm still not happy with what I see. I still have another 42lbs to lose until I reach my "goal" weight.

I'm hoping that once I finally do reach that goal weight, which I'm shooting for it to take 6 months or less, making it a 100 lb weight loss in a year or less (I think this is a feasible goal, about 8lbs a month), that I will finally be happy with the way I look.

I know I already have a lot of factors against me in the dating world... single mom with 2 little kids... soon to be divorcee... less than stellar job and finances...

I really don't need my weight/appearance holding me back as well. Although I would have to hope that any man I meet would realize that I am a good person, with a great personality, smarts, and kindess... and know that I am a work in progress... and be attracted to me as I am... knowing that I'm going to be getting even cuter in the next 6 months, haha :)

Me 58lbs ago...

And me now...

Kiss your lovers lips

30 days of truth is almost over!!!!

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Well first of all... This is pretty much a moot point, because the likelyhood of me getting pregnant is slim to none. No, I don't mean to say that I'm not sexually active, because I am (and yes for those of you gossip-mongers I WOULD know who the father is because I am only being sexually active with one person)

 But I made the wise choice after having Timmy to get the Mirena IUD. I don't trust condoms... with "perfect" use they are 98% effective... but theres so much that can go wrong to screw that up (operator error, breakage, slippage, expired, damaged, holes, etc) that I don't trust a thin barrier of latex to keep me protected from unwanted pregnancy.

And while birthcontrol pills are a lot more effective, that again depends on whether or not you remember to take them... and I'm horrible with remembering to take pills, so for me the most logical option was an IUD, and in this case, the most effective one was the hormonal one (same hormones in BC pills) Mirena.

It has a LESS than 1% failure rate. I'm pretty confident with that knowledge alone, but then even in the unlikely case that I would happen to fall into that less than 1%, the removal of the IUD typically causes a miscarriage, so like I said,  NOT WORRIED!

But let's just play devils advocate here for a moment and say that somehow I not only fell into that less than 1% but somehow the removal of the IUD didn't cause a miscarriage. Well, what would I do?

Well first of all I would tell the father because he is entitled to know and what happens next is largely up to him. Knowing him, he would probably vote for an abortion because he is not ready for kids now, if ever.
But since I don't believe in abortion, unless he was deadset on wanting to be a part of the childs life, I would have an open adoption. Yeah, it would be hard, knowing how I feel about kids, and it would be hard to give up MY kid, but I'm also a realist that knows that I should do whats BEST for the child. I know I'm not in a situation right now where emotionally or finacially I could raise another child.

So there you have it!

I'm down but not out

So close to being done... hahaha 30 days of truth... you've been long and hard... but now it's time for a happy blog post!

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Sure theres a lot about my life that is shitty right now. But I must never forget that theres a lot of good things too. I have great friends... a job... a place to live... but...

The best thing going for me right now is my children. I have amazing children. I know pretty much every parent says that about their kids... but I really do have great kiddos.

All my friends can attest to this... they are constantly wanting to babysit them just because they love them and miss them and have so much fun with them!

No matter how shitty of a day I'm having... they never fail to make me smile or feel better... this morning for example... Charlie comes tromping into my room with sleepy dust in his eyes and crazy bed hair and jumps into my bed and the first words out of his mouth are "Hi Mommy, I love you Mommy!"

If that isn't enough to just make your day start off right I don't know what is... And a smile from my Timmy is enough to make any problem seem less crappy :)

Charlie is my lil shy guy with a heart of gold... he gives the best snuggles... and he's one of those good kids that when I see other kids at my work who are just total brats... running around not listening, screaming, talking back to their parents... it makes me so grateful to have a kid that listens and doesn't scream, and behaves!

I always thought Charlie was an easy, good baby, and now an easy, good kid... but Timmy is even easier than Charlie was! He may be just a baby... but he's so good natured... he only cries when he's hungry or needs a diaper change... I'm very lucky to have a happy, non fussy baby! For the most part he sleeps through the night too :) He is always quick to smile and giggle and it's a total heart melt!

I let negativity get the best of me

I will be writing probably my  most honest and depressing entry ever... um. Yeah...

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I have thought about giving up on life many times actually. Both in the past, and the present. Presently, of course with all the problems I've had lately, the thought of course has crossed my mind that it would just be easier to end it all and not have to deal with any more bullshit.

But 2 things stop me everytime... the fact that I don't want to take the cowards way out (and that I want to believe that life will get better) and of course, my kiddos.

I can't give up because of them... they keep me going! But of course I want to be happy again and not feel the utter hopelessness anymore... or start heading down that slippery slope of depression, so I did the right (yet temporary) thing for myself in starting a low dose anti-depressent.

Therapy was helping... but I just needed a little boost to get myself and my chemical levels back to normal to start feeling better. I call them my happy pills haha... and yes, it's been 2 weeks now and they are finally starting to kick in.

In the past... man... things were bad. From the ages of 13 and 17 I had a lot of problems. I abused alcohol and was very depressed. I used to try to deal with my pain and my problems through cutting.

When that didn't seem to work anymore I actually did attempt suicide. I was ready to end it... and so I took a bottle of pills. I got really, really sick... but it didn't kill me. And at first, I was pissed.

I couldn't even do suicide right... but then I got to thinking... maybe it didn't work for a reason... and that was when I basically has an epihphany type thing and totally was able to turn my life around.

I started to believe that there was a reason I was still alive... that I had some purpose on earth... so I threw myself into my school work and my friends... and got better.

Started dating... had a boyfriend (Mr. Teddybear) and then met the Douchebag... and then... you know the rest of the story.

True words!

Not to conquer but to share in the view

Well first off, today is Christmas, so for those of you that celebrate, Merry Christmas!

Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

This is easy... my kiddos of course... I was meant to be their Mama... and they were meant to be my boys...

I don't really need to say much else here... I've made it no secret how much I love my kids, or how much they mean to me... how much joy they bring me... and how they keep life worth living when so many shitty things keep happening to me.

Last night was hard though... it was Christmas Eve and I had agreed to let The Douchebag keep them overnight since I had them Thanksgiving and would be having them Christmas Day... so it was fair... but still rough... not being able to watch them open their presents at their Mimi's... not being a part of that family dynamic or Christmas celebration anymore... not baking cookies with them to put out for Santa... not waking up with them Christmas morning to see the delight on their face at all the presents on the tree... this is Charlie's first Christmas where he kinda "gets it" and it was Timmy's first Christmas... should have spent it with my boys... but instead I spent it for the most part alone.

My friend Shannon went out to dinner with me and spent a little bit of time so I wouldn't have to go straight home from work to an empty apartment... so that was fun... but the empty apartment sucked.

I just cleaned it and took and ambien and went to bed early... Today should be fun though... some friends of mine invited us for a "Cajun Christmas". Should be exciting... very different from my "norm" Xmas... but that's good... it's better to help me not dwell on how things used to be...

Not accepting the pain of failure!

In the home stretch now of 30 days of truth, yay!

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

This playlist is dedicated to The Douchebag. I'm not going to exlpain why I chose all the songs, becasuse they are all pretty self explanatory... the next 10 songs I guess you could call my version of breakup songs.

Nice to Know You - Incubus
My Hero - Foo Fighters
Halfway Gone - Lifehouse
Best I Ever Had - Vertical Horizon
Santeria - Sublime
Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
Day to Day - Eulogies
Faster Ride - Cartel
In Too Deep - Sum 41
Boiler - Limp Bizkit

You saw me lost...

Keeping up still... yesterday was a doozy... today should be much easier... and shorter! :)

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

This is pretty easy... and something I've already talked about to some extent, so no need to get too into it, but I wish I had gone to college.

At this point... it wouldn't really matter what college I went to, although back in the day my dream was of going to Princeton.

It's funny how much dreams and priorities can change... when I was younger it was about wanting to be smart enough and good enough to be able to get into the best school out there... like I had so much to prove to the world... but I chose a totally different life path... and it lead me to motherhood... which makes going to an Ivy league school seem kind of a silly dream now.

Now I feel like if I can just find the time and money to go to PCC and get my basics done so I can go to nursing school... well then that is all I need to do. Although I must admit there is still a small part of me that thinks I would make a good CIA agent.... and that would be a really interesting career haha.

No more need to get the best grades or impress the world with my mind... now I want to impress the world with my actions... and with who I am as a person.

The good mother I am, the good friend I am, and hopefully one day the good girlfriend I am :)

What price will I pay?

So I think the reason why the last couple of days I just wanted to write little shorty blog posts is because I was gearing up for today... what should prove to be a rather long blog post...

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

The majority of these questions have been hard, in their own ways, and rightfully so. This is supposed to be 30 days of truth.

You being totally honest with yourself and the world... and examining some possibly dark truths about yourself.

But this question today... is hard for me because it makes me admit that I failed at something, and I'm the type of person that prides herself in her successes, and wanting to be the best at everything I try.

Failure is hard for me to deal with. Copping to making mistakes is hard too. But here it is... I made the mistake of marrying both too young, and to the wrong person.

And I failed at one of the biggest parts of adulthood... being a good enough mate to my partner. No... the marriage failure was not all The Douchebag's fault... yes... most of it was, but a lot of the blame should lie at my feet as well.

I made mistakes too... hurt him also... broke his trust also... in some ways was not supportive or understanding enough... picked stupid fights... In many ways I could have been a better wife to him.

But even still, despite my flaws and shortcomings... still doesn't give him an excuse to treat me the way he did. And I should have known from the beginning that we were a bad match...

I shouldn't have ignored the red flags and warning signs... At the first sign of trouble I should have walked away. But I didn't... and that was my biggest mistake of all.

Expecting too much from someone who just simply was incapable of being the person I needed him to be. I was just a stupid 17 year old girl, who had never been in love before and was so caught up in the fairy tale romance of it all that I took the stance that ignorance is bliss... that love can conquer all... but I was wrong...

I put up with so much that I shouldn't have... his temper... his abuse... both physical and mental... his infidelity... And why? Because I was afraid to admit to myself that I had fallen in love with a bad person?

I kept thinking that I could change him, shape him into what I wanted and needed him to be... that once he got older... matured... he would be better... but that "better" day never came.

Don't get me wrong... there were of course good moments... especially in the beginning. But as the days turned into weeks, which turned into months, which turned into years... somehow I had let almost 9 years pass... and I still wasn't happy.

There was a pivotal moment in the first year of our relationship... a moment where I had an opportunity to end it for good... and where I really should have.

He had given me a "promise" ring... a ring that supposedly meant that when highschool was over he would actually propose marriage... but until then the ring served the purpose of saying this is proof of my love until that day.

Inside was inscribed "Together Forever" and it would be that mantra... that kept me taking him back time and time again when I should have washed my hands of him.

But in that first year of our relationship... I found out he was trying to fool around on me... and I flushed that ring down the toilet.

It broke his heart and he threatened suicide if I didn't take him back... he knew that was a good button to push with me... and so I let myself believe his lies... that he was sorry... that he would never do it again... that he loved only me... forever and always....

Most of you are probably shaking your heads at me... going "AMANDA! Why! Why would you marry a guy who in the first year of your relationship tried to cheat on you?!"

And all I can say is sometimes I don't really understand it either... I should have known better... I did know better... and yet I still entered into what should have been a lifetime committment with someone of questionable character.

The only thing I can plead is the stupidity of youth... but then you can say "But why oh why after you realized he hadn't changed... that he kept cheating... again... and again... and again... did you still stay?"

And all I can plead is the stupidity of wanting to believe the best of someone... In theory I could have saved myself many years of misery... had I only walked away at the first sign of trouble... but there is no way of knowing what would have happened in my life if I had.

Part of me wants to believe that I would have led a far happier, better life, with a much better husband... but who can say for sure? Maybe I would have ended up a lonely recluse... or maybe I would have ended up with someone even worse than he...

I can say for sure I wouldn't have Charlie and Timmy... and that's a sad thought. So I can wish all I want that I hadn't married the douchebag... but the fact is, I did.

I made mistakes... but I'd like to think I've learned from them... and yes I've gone through a lot of heartbreak... but I also got two beautiful amazing children out of the package...

And I have the rest of my life to look forward to spending with my children... and I'd like to believe that somewhere out there... there is a man that I will be able to call my best friend, my lover, my confidante, because I still want to believe in true love and happiness.

This time around though... I'm not rushing... I'm not settling... I'm listening to my heart, yes, but also my mind as well.

And I will refuse to ignore red flags and warning signs this time. I've been through enough bad relationships... I'm ready to have a good one... with the right person... when the time is right :)

This makes me laugh... but cry at the same time...

'Cause you never know

Wow I'm doing so good staying caught up on 30 days of truth haha... so proud of myself... LOL. Although I do feel like making this one a genuine shorty today :)

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Um, well this is easy... they are my friend... friends have fights... although... that is rare for me... I'm usually the one playing the diplomat trying to smooth over other friends fights... I hate fighting... that's why I usually just go with the flow... much easier to live life that way.

But that being said... if I did have a fight with someone and then something terrible happened to them before we had a chance to make up, well I would still be there for them as a friend, for whatever they may need.

Because, we are still friends, after all, and that's just what friends are supposed to do, ya know?

Some more of my fantastic friends! Loryn, Heather, Laurissa, and Doug! :)

Let you in on how I feel...

On time again today for 30 days of truth woohoo... but I'm not in much of a writing mood today... So I'm gonna make this one short and sweet. Besides... most people that know me well... already know what I'm going to say about this :)

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Drugs bad. Alcohol good (in moderation).

LOL okay... maybe not THAT short and sweet... but pretty much... for reasons I really don't feel like getting into on here... I am completely against drugs... and I myself have never tried a single drug.

Gasp, yes, I know, I'm almost 26 years old and I've never even smoked weed... and honestly, I've never even smoked a cigarette.

And I highly doubt there would ever be any reason for me to try so yeah... I know I can't control people, or the world, and so there are people out there that smoke cigarettes and do drugs... I try my best to not associate with those kinds of people... and that's just how I want to live my life.

As for alcohol... I'm way past the wanting to get drunk and party stage.... I tried that before when I was younger.... and I'm sorry but hangovers and vomitting suck... so getting drunk is way overrated.

Not to say I don't like alcohol... a glass of wine when you're trying to relax is fantastic... a beer, pizza, and movie night in with friends is fantastic, and a mixed drink at a bar while watching your friends sing karaoke is fantastic, and doing a couple shots with your friends at a party can be fantastic... but just not excessively, or all the time, ya know?

Well that's just how I feel about it anyways. Okay... this ended up not being as short as intended... guess the natural writer in my just likes to take over no matter how sleepy and unfocused I may be haha.

Where are we now?

Woot! I'm on time for Day 19 of 30 days of truth :)

Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Well, since I've already discussed my view of religion in a previous post, I guess I will tackle the sticky subject of politics.

To me... it kind of seems stupid to even vote anymore anyways... because pretty much every candidate has the same agenda anyways... and they're all a bunch of liars that don't keep promises... but since you asked, yes I did vote, and no I did not vote for McCain, or Obama.

I voted Nader. And most people told me that it was stupid, a waste of a vote, but I figured voting for one of the other two was just as stupid and just as much of a waste... so there. I think the only real change that can ever be brought about is if a third party candidate were elected... but whether or not that will ever happen in my lifetime.... I just don't know.

I hate debating politics with people... but I do like to know who people voted for... or if they voted at all, because I think it can reveal a lot about a person.

 So think of me what you will... but there it is.

We think way too much

Alrighty! With this post I will finally be caught up with 30 days of truth... hopefully I won't let myself fall so far behind again haha.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

Oh boy... let's just delve into one of the most touchy subjects out there! I am all for gay marriage... I don't think there is anyone reason two people who are of age and sound mind can't make the decision that they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone and get married.

And so what if its two men? Or two women? They love each other and want to make that committment... which is something rare I'm finding these days even among straight people.

So many people get married for the wrong reasons, or to the wrong people, and with the divorce rate so high... the whole... sanctity of marriage thing has gone quite askew.

So if two people are willing to take that leap of faith... who am I to say they can't? And I know some argue that oh... well if we let gays get married then pedophiles will want to marry little kids, or crazy weirdos will want to marry animals... I just see no logic in this arguement.

A pedophile marrying a kid would never be made legal, and should never be made legal, because that is actually damaging to child and a child is not of age to give consent.

Same goes for animals, yeah maybe they wouldn't be damaged, but they can't exactly give consent. So I feel as long as it doesn't hurt or damage anyone... and the people are able to give consent... then go for it.

And as for the whole religous argument... if there is a god out there... I don't understand why he would have someone be born gay... if it was a "sin". Show me one gay person out there that CHOSE to be gay... why would anyone want to live such a hard life? I'm sorry... but you are born gay, in my opinion.

This lil cartoon makes a good point...

I have a wish, I want to learn

Yay almost all caught up with 30 days of truth...
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I really love to read... pretty much everything... it's an escape for me... and I just love learning new things... but I can't really say that theres been a book that changed my "views" on something... because I'm pretty stubborn, and I have strong beliefs, and it would take a lot more than just reading one book to change my mind about something.

But if you were to ask me what my favorite book was well thats easy... Observatory Mansions, by Edward Carey.  And in a way I guess you could say it sort of changed my view of how I want to live my life...

The book is full of these lonely reclusive characters that all live in this old mansion thats been turned into an aparment complex. They are all bizarre and grotesque in their own ways... and they are just full of oddities, and it makes them want to hole up and not be apart of the "world".

They are full of regret and longing.... and then a new character moves in and shakes everything, and everyone up, and shows them that there is more to life.

At first they are resistant... because even though they are miserable... they are comfortable, because it is all that they know... and change is a scary thing... but eventually they come to realize that change can be a very good thing!

Reading this book help opened to my eyes that no matter what has gone wrong in my life, or what kind of problems I have, or things I may feel are undesirable about me... it's no reason to just shut down and stop living.

If you aren't happy with your life.... you need to change it... not just keep at it because its all you've known and you're afraid of the unknown... this is me... trying to let go of fear, remember? :)

If you haven't read this book... I highly reccomend it!

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear

On a roll now... let's keep catching up with 30 days of truth...

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

FEAR. I'm so tired of being afraid. I've let fear of the unknown hold me back from a lot... and I don't want to live like that anymore.

I was afraid of what it would be like to be alone, and try to raise 2 kids on my own, and so I stayed in a bad marriage, despite my utter unhappiness.

And then when he finally had the guts that I could never find, and ended it, I ended up alone anyway. So what did I gain besides more misery? I should have had the wherewithall to say ya know what... we made a mistake... we got married way too young and yes at some point we did love each other, but not anymore.

And staying together when we are so wrong for each other is just a waste of time... And I'm tired of wasting time... no... that doesn't mean that I'm looking to jump into a serious relationship right now... but I don't want to sit around forever feeling sorry for myself and being afraid that I'll never find a good man to love, and who will love me back...

I'm tired of being that scared little girl... I need to come out of my shell and fight for what I want... which is to be happy and have a good life. Which means going back to school, getting into nursing, and hopefully finding a worthy man to have a healthy relationship with.

Deep breath... trying to let go of all my fear... Not going to be afraid anymore... I'm ready...

The world can be an unfriendly place

I'm way behind in my 30 days of truth... sorry guys... just lots of ish been going on lately... hoping to get it all sorted out soon. I may be a procrastinator, but I'm not one to neglect my responsibilities, and I said I would complete the 30 days of truth, and so I shall..

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

My automatic thought was my kiddos.... but I've never tried living without them, and I never hope to. So I had to think of something that I've actually tried living without and the easy thing to say would be something menial like oh "the internet" yea I've tried living without it and it sucked but I could technically "LIVE" without it ya know.

So I really had to dig and think... what is something that would be just terrible to live without... and then it came to me, hello, my friends!

I've surprised even myself with how much I've grown over the last few years, and especially the last few months as a person, and I've always been shy... but I feel I've really started to come out of my shell more and open up more and that has helped me become more of the social butterfly type and seek out more friendships, and deeper connections.

I wasn't always this way... there was a point in my life where I really didn't have anyone I could call a true friend. Yea I had acquaintances... but not true friends that really cared about be and that I really cared about back.

Now I have so many... I feel so lucky! Life was very lonely and indeed the world can be an unfriendly place... so it's nice to have friends to have in your life that enhance it :)

I would never want to go back to living without good, true friends... so to my friends out there, I love you, I appreciate you, and I'm so glad to have you in my life!

Heres a pic of just 4 of the people I consider my "best" friends... Love ya Loryn, Shannon, Laurissa, and Nick! :)

Strange how it turns out that way

Day 14 of 30 days of truth... and this one was too hard for me to write about myself... but I found this "letter" that pretty much sums it up.

Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)

This person is a person that should have been a hero and never was.

Dear sperm donor,

I am not sure what to say. You had one job and you failed miserably. You were supposed to be my father but instead you abandoned me and left me alone all these years. You missed birthdays, graduations, and holidays. You never called, sent a card, or reached out. You never said you loved me and you never were a father. Instead I grew up wondering why I was not good enough and why I didn’t have a father in my life. I grew up yearning for a father-daughter relationship and then mourning for the relationship that would never be.  I have since forgiven you, not for you though but for me. I have moved on. I have a become a strong woman and have lived a wonderful life.  The memories that we will never share are not my loss but yours.  I am disappointed in the man you were never able to be.  So to you I say, you let me down by never being there to be that hero……so I found heroes in others.

Signed,

The daughter you will never know

So yeah... I cheated... oh well... wasn't quite ready for day 14 I guess...

Everything in life...

Is made better with music... don't you agree? So I'm looking forward to talking about day 13 of 30 days of truth... and it should be no surprise...

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Incubus,

I am quite possibly your biggest fan EVER (so ya know, if you wanna send me concert tickets sometime, feel free) but seriously... who else is more obsessed with you guys (especially of Brandon Boyd).

I use your song lyrics to title every blog post... and I talk about you constantly... sadly yes I do cheat on you by listening to other artists... but very rarely... you are always my "go-to" band to listen to.

I could listen to you guys all day every day and never get tired of it. That's just how musically diverse I think you are. I'm planning on getting a tattoo using your koi fish drawing. Heck I even named my first born son after Brandon's middle name!

I know you guys have been around since 1991, but it wasn't until 1995 that I first began listening to you guys. A friend of mine had your FUNGUS AMONGUS cd and let me borrow it. I WAS HOOKED.

I played that cd over and over again and loved every song. I couldn't wait till your next album, but you made me wait 2 years for that. But it was worth the wait.

I still to this day think that S.C.I.E.N.C.E is my favorite album by you guys. I know you guys have changed a lot since your first two albums and try to avoid playing those songs like the plague... but those songs were so fun and unique you should never be embarrassed to play them.

It was a proud day for me in 1999 when you guys finally got your mainstream success with MAKE YOURSELF. Finally everybody was hearing you guys on the radio and seeing what I had seen 4 years prior... pure musical genius.

So I can't hate on all the bandwagon jumpers, but just know, I liked you waaay before most people did haha.

2001 came and you released MORNING VIEW which was amazing... that album helped me through a lot.... you know how highschool can be... and it helped me through dealing with my grandpa's death.

2004 brought A CROW LEFT OF THE MURDER which was very influential in a pivotal point in my life... graduating highschool, leaving the nest sort of deal... getting married..

2006 brought LIGHT GRENADES and that was a great soundtrack to all that was happening in my life... the harsh realilty of life... dealing with the end of the Newlywed phase... losing my babies...then finally having a baby... that album helped keep my spirits up.

Then you guys went on hiatus and I was quite lost without some new music coming from you guys, but luckily I was able to make due with your previous 6 albums... and I was quite happy when in 2009 you guys released your greatest hits album MONUMENTS AND MELODIES with some new bonus tracks... this helped me through my marriage being on the rocks, and the impending birth of my 2nd baby... and then just this year... Brandon, you came out with your solo album THE WILD TRAPEZE which has totally hit the spot with all the changes going on in my life right now... the divorce... the singlemomhood... etc.

So thanks guys... for being so unique, so innovative, for writing lyrics that I can relate to, and for creating beautiful music I can lose myself in and forget the worries of the day to.

Amanda (Your biggest fan EVER.... tickets, please?!)

It's crazy to me just how much you guys have changed not only musically but physically as well... case in point... these pics...

                                                                              Then...

                                                                            And now...

Everything you hate in me

Trying to stay on track again with the 30 days of truth... I've been reading through the blogosphere and SOOOO many people are doing 30 day's of truth... and here I thought it was just me and my friends LOL.

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

This one is easy... no one has ever said, nor will they ever say, that I am athletically gifted... I am probably the slowest, most uncoordinated person when it comes to sports. Any kind of sports. Not that I HATE sports... Well, okay, I don't really enjoy watching them, I find that boring... but some are fun to play, but... I'm just no good. Not gonna lie or try to pretend.

So yeah, this is what would most likely happen to me if I tried to play soccer...

I could afford to not give a shit

But, I do give a shit, lol. I know I like to pretend that I don't care what other people think of me... and I tell my friend Jenn all the time that she cares way too much what people think of her... and I should really practice what I preach... but I can't help but wonder and care... what kind of impact I leave on people. And thus follows, my day 11 in the 30 days of truth!

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I get a lot of compliments. About a lot of different things. I've always been bad at accepting compliments... but I'm trying to be better and see the value in myself that everyone else can see...

But the compliment I probably get the most... is regarding my intelligence. I know a lot of times I dumb myself down for people because I don't like to intimidate, or alienate anyone... but apparently some of that intelliegence still manages to shine through.

I have book smarts sure... I was one of those people in highschool that would piss you off because I never studied for tests... and yet I still aced them. Or I would half ass write papers at the last minute... and still get good marks... but book smarts can only take you so far in life.

I wish I had better emotional intelligence... I still seem to make a lot of mistakes in life... and I wish I were smarter in that aspect... I would trade my book smarts for "street smarts" anyday...

If I had better emotional intelligence... I would already be completely moved on from The Douchebag, The Smooth Operator, and The Player... but I'm making progress... Player has been forgiven, Operator has been eradicated... and Douchebag... well he hurt me the most of anyone so he can't be forgiven, and we have kids together so he can't be eradicated... but I'm hoping that given time... I will be able to move on and not hate him as much.

But he has just as big a role to play in that as I do... he needs to quit being such a douchebag!  LOL... I love that my grandma (who reads my blog) has even started referring to him as The Douchebag :P

Honesty is a lonely word

Procrastination is fun... but its time to play catch up again!

Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

So back on Day 4 I forgave The Player. Today, I'd like to let go of The Smooth Operator.

Despite the way things turned out with him... me finding out he was married, and blah blah blah... I still find myself thinking about him a lot. It's hard to let go of someone you were starting to fall in love with... even though they did something so diabolically evil to you.

I know in my head that he is a bad guy... not just to me, but to his wife, and his daughter. He hurt so many with his actions. And I won't ever forgive him, I just wish I could forget him.

I can't say that I wish I never met him... because for almost 3 months... he showed me that it was possible to move on from The Douchebag, and love again. He was just the wrong person, obviously!

Also... he was going to cheat on his wife no matter what. The fact that he chose me to fool into a relationship with... just solidifies my belief that everything happens for a reason.

If he had chosen someone else to do it with, would that person have been smart enough to figure out that everthing was just a sham, and that he was really married?

Would that person have had the guts to reveal the truth to the wife? That was so hard for me. I know technically I didn't do anything wrong because I didn't know he was still married... and once I found out I cut contact with him and let her know what had happened.

But that was... embarrasing to say the least. In order to prove to her the "affair" I had to send her pictures... and correspondance... that didn't exactly paint me out to be "the girl next door" that everyone seems to think I am.

But it had to be done. She had to know what her husband was up to... and sometimes yes I feel guilty for shattering her world also... but I think it's better to know... and ignorance isn't always bliss.

I have no idea what happened with them. Whether they are getting divorced or what. I'd like to think that they went to marriage counseling and are trying again... because I hate to see families break up... but at the same time... learning from my own experience... once a cheater... always a cheater, sadly.

But I've realized that I need to let go of the Smooth Operator... thinking about him and how things were with him, how he made me feel, the happiness I felt... it was all a lie... and continuing to think about him, wonder about him, ugh, even miss him at times is not doing me any favors.

I already took the step of deleting him out of my phone... now I just need to eradicate him completely from my computer... all the pictures... emails... etc... then I will be free... I hope :)

You enter in full blown technicolor

Okay... I know I should be posting Day 10, and Day 11 of 30 Days of truth... but I'm a procrastinator... and I promised Losho I'd give her an eyecandy blog post devoted to her most fave, Mr. Matthew Perry... so here goes... I hope you liked the pics I chose Loryn!

This one is my personal fave... b/c it has a little extra eye candy in the adorable Zac Efron... hehe.

An irony named life

Day 9 of 30 days of truth... and I'm sliding in under the wire... half hour left in this day haha.

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I had to think about this one for awhile, because, I'm not the type to just let friends drift away. I make friends for life... so I couldn't think of anyone lately that this had happened with. I had to go all the way back to the 4th grade for this one!

Ah... 4th grade... back when we were still innocents... well sort of... 4th grade was when I had my first boyfriend. His codename shall be HIS SUPREME HOTNESS, but shortened to, Hottie. And no, nothing bad ever happened with him... I was still quite innocent haha... the most that ever happened was a very chaste, very g rated kiss haha.

But he is the only person I can think of, that I didn't want to let go, but that I left drift. I was devasted when he told me he was moving away to california... and so instead of parting as friends, and keeping in touch...

We had a huge fight and parted mad at each other, and we never kept in touch... I still think about him to this day... and even looked him up on facebook... and oh my... that cute little boy grew up into one gorgeous man... hence the name His Supreme Hotness lol.

But seriously... I wonder what would have happened had Hottie and I kept in touch... would we still be friends to this day? Would we have reconnected as teenagers when he moved back to the area... would we be... an item?

You just never know... but... hey... I may not have Hottie as my boyfriend (but boy, wouldn't that be fun haha) but I have my Charlie and my Timmy, and had things worked out with Hottie, and I hadn't hooked up with The Doucher, then I wouldn't have my little boys... but hmm... Hottie... too bad you live 3 hours away now!

And no, this isn't actually the Hottie... this guy just reminds me of him for some reason lol. The Hottie is even hotter than this guy... some of my friends who I've shown his pic to can attest to that haha.

You keep your riches and I'll sew my stitches

Day 8 of 30's days of truth rolling down the line... And it's gonna be a long one, so brace yourself!

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Hmm... anyone wanna take a stab in the dark as to who I'm going to say? Yup... you've guessed it! THE DOUCHEBAG!

I've already bitched and moaned about him... and what he has done lately to make my life hell... but let me give you a little background as to why exactly this whole split has been so... life shattering to me... and you can see just why I put up with so many years of unhappiness.

Let's go back to my junior year of highschool. Things were going swimmingly. I had a great group of friends, I was doing fantastic in school, had a 3.9 GPA and was on the fast track to going to an Ivy League school.

 My family had always hoped I would become a doctor, in fact it was my grandpa's dying wish to me. So even though I favored the arts over sciences, I was still really good at science and focused my studies there.

I worked super hard to get a summer internship at OSU... something that hundreds of people apply for... and only a select few actually get chosen.

I worked my butt off for that, keeping my grades up, writing essays, getting teacher reccomendations... and it paid off because I got it!

So I was looking forward to my summer... I was going to be interning in the science department at OSU, living with my best friend in Corvallis, and getting to see my then boyfriend at the time (we shall call him Mr. Teddybear) more because he went to the U of O and Corvallis is a lot closer to Eugene than Tualatin was (which was wear I was living at the time).

Then... I met The Douchebag. And my world totally changed... I fell in love... and I let that love for him totally encompass my entire life. I left my boyfriend in the dust for him...

I stopped hanging out with my friends as much because he wanted to spend every spare moment with me... it was a whirlwind romance... something I had only heard and seen in movies and I thought I was so lucky to have found someone to feel this way with.

And so when he demanded so much of me, and so much of my time, I gave in... I didn't want to lose him, or that feeling. I sacrificed my ENTIRE future for him.

Where before I looked forward to my summer internship... I worried about going... he kept saying things like... you know if you go... then we won't see each other for 3 months... so much can happen in 3 months... and so... what do you think I did... do you think I followed my hopes and dreams... or do you think I submitted to his wishes?

Yup... as you know... that was just the very first time that I sacrificed my happiness, for his. And it only went downhill from there... the next thing I gave up was the dream of going to an Ivy League school... because as you know... those are all far away on the east coast... and... he kept saying... you know... if you go away so far to college.... who knows what could happen... so I shut that dream down, in fear of losing him.

Then I thought I'd go to a school nearby... but then... he kept saying things like... you know... if you spend so much time going to school... then we won't spend as much time together... and who knows what could happen.... ugh... you get the point, right?

So even though I always knew I wanted to be a wife and mom... I still had hopes and dreams of going to college... just so that I could have a good degree to fall back on... just in case... well... he just couldn't stand the thought of me pursuing my dreams... it had to be all about him... and spending time with him, making HIM happy.

So I can't totally blame him for EVERYTHING... I let it happen... I let him get in my head and I let the fear control me... but I was only 17, can you blame me?

Oh well... I can't totally regret everything... like I say... had I never met him... I would not have Charlie and Timmy... so I try not to live too much in regret... but I just want people to understand... how much he stole from me... how much I let him steal from me... and it is because of that... I now find myself in a pretty pickle trying to support myself and two kids on the income of a retail job... if I had that degree to fall back on... things would be a lot easier... but somehow... someway... I'm going to make this work... I just have to.

I don't want to lose my kids... I don't want to let him win... I want to prove that I don't need him... that he doesn't control me anymore... It just gets really hard sometimes... and like I told him the other day... he has no idea what its like to be me... to not be able to sleep at night because you worry about bills... he has his mom, and a sugarmomma to fall back on and to take care of him.

I have nobody to fall back on, or to take care of me... and because I gave up college for him, I don't have very good means to take care of myself.

But in the end... I know my life will be better, and I will be a happier person than he... he may think he has it made now living responsilbilty free with his sugarmommy... but karma will come back around to bite him in the ass.

It's funny... because whenever someone cheats on you and leaves you for someone, you always fear it's because they left you for someone younger, thinner, prettier... but in my case it was the exact opposite... he left me for someone older, fatter, and uglier... my friend Alisha seeing them together the other night and sending me pictures of her (because I had never seen her) was a huge ego boost.

He left me for THAT? I mean... I know the saying, those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones... I know I'm no supermodel... but I do know that I have a cute face with pretty eyes and a smile... she is just not... even attractive in the least... and I know I'm not skinny by any means... but at least 1) im actively working to change that, and have lost half the weight needed to be at my goal weight and 2) im proportioned...

I have the curvy womanly shape, bigger hips and tatas and smaller middle... she is just yeah... nothing going on in the tata department, which is unfortunate for The Douche cuz he's totally a tata man haha. But huge everywhere else... all my friends called her a whale... I wouldn't be that harsh... okay maybe I will... I mean, she totally wronged me and the kids... so in my mind... she deserves all the abuse...

But yea... seeing just what I was left for... put everything in perspective... that it really was just a matter of... he didn't want responsibility anymore... he was tired of getting busted for cheating... and he wanted the finer things in life that I wouldn't provide him because I thought the kids should come first before he got the latest video game, or pair of shoes, or hat.

He truly has found his perfect woman in the Homewrecking Whore.. it makes sense now why she is willing to turn a blind eye to his cheating... if I looked like her too, I wouldn't want to rock the boat either if a man was willing to stay with me.

But then again... is it really worth it when he's only with you for your money and what you can buy him, and that with you he can escape the responsibilites he had with me and the kids?

He has the perfect setup with her... shes gone every other week so he can get his freak on with whomever he wants... and she will be none the wiser...

I guess if I had money too and was willing to let my man cheat on me... then it wouldn't matter how much of an old ugly whale I was...

I know that I sound opinionated, maybe biased...

But I think I have the two best kiddos in the world... cutest too :)

So my day 7 blog in my 30 days of truth is devoted to them!

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

So in this case, I can't just choose "someone" because I have two little boys that have made my life worth living for.

Some people have no desire to be parents. Either they just don't like kids in general, the temper tantrums, the responsilibilty, the poop, the snot, the vomit, the pee... whatever it may be, they just don't feel like they could/or want to deal with that.

Or there are the people that maybe like kids and could deal with the grossness that sometimes accompanies babies and whatnot, but they just don't think they would make good parents.

Whether they feel they are too selfish, or too immature, or just don't think they could shape and mold young children into good little people that grow into decent adults.

There is nothing wrong with these people... I have a lot of friends that fall into this group. They are still my friends, and they still seem to like MY kids, just don't want kids of their own.

And I can totally respect that. Being a parent isn't ever easy... sometimes isn't fun... almost always is scary... But there are some people, like me, that wouldn't have it any other way.

Growing up I ALWAYS knew I wanted to be a mom. If I thought I could handle it emotionally and financially I'd have like 20 kids... I just love kids that much... but I'm quite happy with my 2, thank you very much!

I never had big hopes and dreams of a glamorous career... I always saw myself as a wife and stay at home mom.

Circumstances have made it so that I am no longer a wife, and cannot afford to be a stay at home mom, so I don't mind getting out there and working as hard as I can for my kids.

And I do really hope to be a nurse someday... and wanting to be a labor and delivery nurse just shows you how special I think babies are!

But I don't think there is one single job out there that is more rewarding than being a parent. And I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything.

Sure it's hard, and sure sometimes I miss being unencumbered and being able to do things at the drop of a hat... but in the end... that kind of lifestyle just gives you instant gratification, but not long term gratification.

And yeah.. being a single mom has been a kick in the ribs to say the least. Emotionally, financially, romantically, it's rough.

I've met and dated a lot of douchebags yes... but I've also met and dated some decent men as well... but why then am I not in a relationship... because they just couldn't handle the whole single mom bit... not ready for kids... or the whole instant family thing.

And while that hurts... yeah... that they couldn't see the value in me, and in my kids... at the same time. I don't blame them for being scared. And I don't blame my kids for my singlehood.

When the right man comes along that can see that I have a lot offer, and that my amazing kiddos are a bonus, not a hinderance... it will be all worth it!

Every chance to sink

Day 6 of 30 days of truth... and it just might make me cry...

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

I've had to do a lot of things I hoped I never had to do already... I had hoped I would never be divorced. I had hoped I would never have to be a single mom.

I had hoped that I would never have to rely on the government for any kind of assistance. I had hoped I would be able to provide my kids the perfect life which meant having a family and never having to want for anything.

I had hoped I would never have to go into debt. I had hoped I would never have to borrow money from friends. I had hoped I would never have to rely SO MUCH on my friends to help me out.

 So many dashed hopes and dreams... and all because of The Douchebag... no wonder I hate him so much! But I still find the will and the strength to go on... and to try to do the best I can by my kids, because they mean the world to me.

And so it is with them, that there is the ultimate something I hope I never have to do. Which is have to give full custody of them to The Douchebag because I can no longer afford to provide for them.

I am doing everything I can to try to prevent that... but he is doing everything he can to try to make that happen. I truly believe his ultimate goal in life is to break me completely.

I think he wishes he was able to hurt me badly enough, that I would kill myself. Because then in his mind, he wins. He knows my last hope for living is my kids... and without them life would be pointless.

If he succeeds in taking them away from me... God help us all.

Maybe its me but I'm sick of wasting energy

Day 5 of the 30 days of truth... here goes!

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

Believe it or not... I don't want to work retail the rest of my life. I know... working 6 years at the same retail place may lead you to believe that I just LOVE it... but I really don't. I really want to be a nurse someday.

Specifically a labor and delievery nurse. At this point in time its basically just waiting for the right moment for all the stars to align perfectly for me to go back to school.

I'm thinking sometime after Charlie starts kindergarten.

Chews us up and spits us out

Okay, another day in the "30 days of truth"... here goes!

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

So a lot of people in my life have wronged me... and it has always been very hard for me to forgive. I know I should probably be more forgiving... but I feel like that just gives them an excuse to hurt you again... and its better protection to just hate them forever and cut them out of your life.

That's what I've done with my own mother, The Douchebag, The Smooth Operator, and The Player. But I have to forgive someone, right?

So I guess... of all those people... the person who hurt me the least, but still hurt me, nonetheless was The Player. So I will find the gumption within myself to forgive him. Player...

You wronged me and caused me a lot of pain... but I need to stop and think maybe, theres a reason for the way you acted... and maybe I could have handled things differently as well.

Let's examine what I know about you and maybe therein I can understand maybe, why you did what you did. You, like me, are going through a divorce. You, like me, were left for another person.

Maybe in your pain, you lashed out, and fell back on old habits of using women without regard to their feelings.

This does not make what you did okay... but at least maybe if I know that you are also human, and a person whos going through a hard time, I can find some understanding and forgiveness for you.

But I won't forget... You did give me some happy moments in my life, and for that, I thank you. And maybe my mistake was expecting too much too soon from you.

And therefore when you did what you did.... it made it hurt all the worse. Sometimes I think I care about people too much... and this gets me into trouble. So okay, Player... I forgive you...

Maybe this is easy because I know you will never read this, haha! :)

I'm keeping an eye on the future, and an eye on the past...

I figure its about time that I give a little update on the ol love life... since people are asking... if I have a new boy or not...

So technically the answer is no, not yet. But there is the possibility of something on the horizon. But first... I have to make the ever famous choice... between choosing past and future.

I decided to follow my friends (not therapists) advice and take a break from the whole dating scene and pursuit of a new boy... all my friends kept saying... oh you just need to focus on you right now and you don't need a man and when you least expect it the right man will come into your life.

Well that is maybe happening? I'm not sure... 

Last June... when The Douchebag and I split up for a few months before the final split.... I had found a nice guy that I just sorta used... for a friends with benefits thing.

He knew I was split up from my husband and was hurting from the fact that I had been cheated on... and I guess I used him as a validation that I was still a desirable woman... but I never had serious intentions with him because I always assumed that The Douchebag and I would get back together.... and we did and so I cut ties with... his codename shall the THE SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN, which I shall shorten to The Gent.

Well ever since the final split with the douchebag... The Gent and I have been talking again... I've been talking to him about all my emotions and issues dealing with the breakup, and he's been talking about all the issues and emotions with his moms recent death.

So in  way, we have the grief thing in common. And things have been said and it has come to light that he would be interested in starting things up again with me... but not in the friends with benefits sense... in the having a serious relationship sense.... now that he knows that I'm really done with The Douchebag... he wants to see if we could have something more than just sex.

And I'm really torn... should I just leave the past in the past, meaning, dont't give a relationship with The Gent a shot... I mean... can you really form a relationship when all you've had in the past with that person is sexual?

Should I keep taking that break... maybe The Gent coming back into my life isn't the right guy coming into my life when I'm not looking... maybe there is someone else out there for me...
Oh choices... choices....

Who am I?

Okay, one more "30 days of truth" Blog post and then I'll be all caught up! Here goes...

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Wow... I actually have a lot I need to forgive myself for, but I'll just focus on the biggest thing... and maybe if I can do this... I can let go of a lot of baggage I have!

I need to forgive myself for the fact that for 9 years... I let my heart/emotional side of me rule my life. I turned a blind eye to the abuse a man who didn't love me put me through... all because I thought I loved him, and wanted to be a family with him.

But I need to realize that with that pain, was a purpose. The relationship... no matter how awful... will always have a silver lining in my children.

Without The Douchebag... there would be no Charlie or Timmy... so I need to forgive myself for hating myself for loving the Douchebag and putting up with being cheated on and treated poorly... because I wanted these kids and they are so worth it, and I would go through it all again.

It has been a great learning experience... to say the least :) Without the hardships I've gone through, not only in my relationship with The Douchebag, but also with The Player, and The Smooth Operator, I would not be who I am today... so I can't complain too much....

I can only hope that in the future I've learned that it's okay to listen to your heart and emotions, to a degree, but you shouldn't let your brain or logical side be completely on mute....

No, you're not the first to fall apart

So I've been so busy posting eye candy blogs haha... that I've slacked off on my "30 days of truth" blogs... so time to play catch up!

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

Well lets see... they don't really specify whether or not it's something physical, or emotional, or personality, or whatever... so I'll just pick some stuff I guess...

It's hard for me to have a lot of confidence in my appearance when I let myself get so far gone from what I used to look like... but I've made lots of progress... 54 lbs lost.... kind of stagnating now in the weight loss because I never have a babysitter to watch the boys while I work out... and by the time the boys are asleep I'm too tired to put on a workout dvd at home... but I haven't given up, I'm not gaining anything back, and I do intend on losing another 50 lbs.

But men for the most part have told me that I have beautiful eyes, or a beautiful smile. And I guess I can see how some would think that? But probably its the boobies they really like... LOL. But I'm constantly trying to improve on both my inner and outer beauty... and I have to love that about myself... that I don't give up on myself and just let myself go... when sometimes that would be all to easy under the circumstances...

I love that I'm not a selfish person. I see so much selfishness in others... and it's sad. My ultimate goal in life is to be the best mom to my kids, best partner and lover to my future... (boyfriend?)... and best friend to all my friends that I can be. My happiness comes from making other people happy... and like my therapist says, thats a good quality to have, as long as people respect it, and don't abuse it, and don't make me a doormat.

I love that despite all that has gone wrong in my life... I still manage to keep a somewhat postitive outlook for the future... and I push on... and keep trying to make my life better. I have my dark days... everyone does... and I actually have a prescription for an antidepressent that I've yet to fill... but that I am considering trying out if my mood doesn't improve even more on its own.... because I want to be my old self again. And not let the drama that men can bring into your life, bring me down!