Please don't come crawling back to me

I haven't posted in 3 days, because the past 3 days have been really off for me, emotionally. I'm not sure if it was like a hormonal thing that just kind of turned me into a girly crying mess or what.

I have an IUD and don't get periods anymore, but I wonder if I don't still get mood swings from time to time. Cuz I defintely felt like I was in a mood swing over the last few days.

It just seemed like everything went wrong at the same time, and it was a culmination of events that just left me going back and forth between being really weepy and really ticked off.

I love my boyfriend, Mr. Wonderful, very much, and most of the time he very much lives up to his name. But this week, he kinda slacked off on the wonderful part, and that was kind of tough to deal with.

I know people have off days, and flaws, and that things won't always be so wonderful or perfect, that's just life. I think the important part is weathering those bad days and getting past the speed humps.

Mr. Wonderful is often late when I want to spend time with him, or sometimes he cancels altogether, or sometimes he just falls asleep, which is really frustrating. At first I thought it was me, something I was doing wrong to cause him to act that way.

But I got to witness first hand how he loses track of time and get's carried away with things like shopping and whatnot. So that made me feel better that it wasn't him intentionally trying to slight me.

But it's still kinda sucky when I get excited about seeing him. I don't get to spend nearly as much time with him as I'd like, and a lot of it is b/c of my work schedule and whatnot, which I'm working on.

So I guess that's why sometimes it upsets me when we make plans and he's late or doesn't show b/c I feel like I'm making a herculean effort to make time for him and he could just take it or leave it. I know that's probably not his intention, but thats the way I feel sometimes, nonetheless.

Our biggest hinderance is communication. He admits he's no good at it. I'm not much better. Why do you think I'm venting in my "diary" instead of telling him?

I can just never think of the words to say that won't make it sound worse than it actually is. I love him, and I think he is wonderful. But sometimes he hurts and/or disapoints me.

In a way though, it's good that he is "real" with me, and allows me to see his flaws. That way I know he isn't just putting on a show. All my exes before seemed great in the beginning and then once they "roped me in" the mask came off.

It isn't that way with Mr. Wonderful. There's no masks. He is what he is, mostly wonderful, sometimes aggravating, haha.

Saturday was just a really rough day, all around. I knew it was going to be a rough day no matter what, simply because it was the date on the calendar that would have marked The Douchebag's and I's 7 year wedding anniversary, 9 years total of being "together".

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't all weepy over that, or missing him, not at all. I just knew it would be rough b/c it would be a reminder of a time in my life where I made the very stupid mistake of not only marrying way too young, but the wrong person all together.

I found this picture thingy that is so relatable to how I feel except in my case it wasn't 4.5 years I wasted with the miserable selfish bastard, it was nearly 9 years. 

I don't like making mistakes or feeling like a failure. And that date was a huge reminder of my biggest mistake/failure. Trust me, I am so glad that it is over, and soon enough will finally be over.

The divorce should be final before the end of this month. And it will be such a  relief, to finally close the book on that chapter of my life forever.

I'm so glad to have moved on and found someone so much more worthy of my love. And not to seem petty, but it's also nice to know that he traded down. When I first met his current girlfriend I wasn't sure if my reaction of REALLY?! Her?! was only because he had left me for her and I was feeling spiteful.

But no, I'm not the only one that thinks he traded down. She is so old, so ugly, and so fat. Not that I'm a supermodel or skinny minny. But shes like twice the size of me, 15 years older, and shows her age pretty bad.

After my boyfriend met her and we were driving away he just started laughing and I'm like "what?" and he's like "your ex is a fucking idiot, he traded down!" but his loss is my gain! :)

But I digress, on Saturday was my cousins memorial dedication. It has been almost 10 months that he died, but it was still a very hard, emotional thing to attend.

And I had to go it alone, because of assumptions made by me and miscommunications with Mr. Wonderful. But I survived.

Just like I survived going to his funeral alone, because at the time I was with the Douchebag who thought going to a baseball game was more important than being my emotional support.

Then to make matters worse my clothes dryer quit working. And my apartments are uber bad about fixing things in a timely manner.

So who knows if it will even be fixed by the time I move. Which is another constant thing weighing on my mind, that I still haven't figured out where I'm going to live yet.

But here my boyfriend was Mr. Wonderful again and let me dry my wet clothes in his dryer. I know I have a great boyfriend, and that I'm lucky. He certainly isn't perfect, and I'm sure theres plenty I do that drives him up the wall.

Sometimes I just think my expectations are too high. I'm not used to just being a "girlfriend". I'm used to being a "wife". So I probably just expect too much out of him, because I'm used to being in a marriage and having certain expecations of a husband.

So I'm going to do my best to just go with the flow, try to be more patient and understanding, and not expect so much from him, so soon.