TO MY MOTHER

Okay, now I wasn't going to stoop to this level, but enough is enough. I haven't seen or spoken to my "mother" in over 2 years. And let me tell you, these have been the best 2 years of my life.

Not having to deal with her bullshit or drama or hurtful words 24/7 has been a breath of fresh air. I've occasionally had to deal with a text message or a weepy voicemail from her from time to time but mostly it was just an annoyance I was willing to put up with.

I had always said that if she was to go to rehab, get on some meds that actually worked, and stay on them, and changed, that I would more than welcome her back into mine and the kids life.

It's not like I relish not having a mother in my life, you have no idea what I wouldn't do to have a normal loving mother that was there for me in good times and bad. But I don't have that luxury.

I have a mother that is batshit crazy, with a gambling addiction, an anger problem, lies more than anyone I've ever met, plus she is bipolar and can never seem to stay on a medicine regime that does any good for her.

But she just keeps pulling shit that only serves to piss me off further, and dig her own grave deeper. She will be 46 soon, and if she hasn't changed yet, I highly doubt she will ever change.

But I was always willing in the past to forgive her if she got help and did actually change. But then she sent the text talking about how I was a bad mom and shouldn't have my kids. Really, pot? Meet kettle!

So then I got to the point where I told her that if she ever called or texted me again, I would be forced to get a restraining order. That shut her up. Till she found this blog, and left this comment:

"YOU HURT YOUR MOTHER WHAT IF SHE DIES<GRANDPA I am watching all of you from heaven your mother forgave me for my wrong doings. She is pleasent"

Again, I was to point where I was giving my grandma permission to let my mother have a supervised visit with the kids. Because believe it or not, I'm not that heartless.

I know it must be hard for her to not see her grandkids, but I had to think of the best interest of my children, and seeing how fine a job she did with her own kids, I was hesitant to let her anywhere near mine.

But again, here is where her shooting her mouth off shoots herself in the foot. Now with that lovely little gem of a comment, I no longer am okay with her crazy ass having any kind of visit with my children.

Sigh. Again, I didn't want to have to stoop to the level of bashing my mother online, but enough is enough! A lot of people (mostly my grandma) can't understand why I want nothing to do with her. Well, brace yourselves, you're about to find out!

It all began when I was born, and she went batshit crazy, again, and I ended up having to live with my grandparents because she was in a mental institution.

They should have left me with my grandparents, and sterilized her so she couldn't procreate any further, and kept her locked up and thrown away the key. Because over the last 26 years she has only gotten progressively worse, and wreaked havoc on so many lives.

It really got to the boiling point during my teenage years. She would take off for days at a time on a mental breakdown bender, and go roaming around the streets of downtown Portland, spreading the gospel of crazy because often times she would either think she was Jesus, or some other historical character like Joan of Arc.

We never knew what the hell she was really doing, and whether or not she would even come home alive. I was forced into the role of playing mom to my younger siblings, b/c their own mom was nowhere to be found and they were constanly worried about if she was coming back.

I begged and pleaded with my dad and grandma to have her instituionalized, but they are the worlds biggest enablers of her craziness and refused.

When she was home though, it was even worse. She lost her job both due to her craziness, because she went down to her place of employment snapping belts at people saying they were sinners. And then another time she lost it because she would miss so much work because she'd be off on gambling sprees.

I have no idea how much debt that woman is in due to her gambling problems. But I imagine that between payday loans, and money my dad and grandma bailed her out with, it's in the hundreds of thousands of dollars.

That's the other thing, my mother has bled my grandmother dry for money and it's so very sad. My grandma is supposed to enjoying the golden years of her retirement, but instead she is scrambling for money to make her house payment every month b/c shes given every extra cent to my ungrateful mother.

And I say ungrateful because she is. It's sad, because I know my grandma wants to believe the best about my mother, because that is her daughter.

But if she had any idea the terrible things my mom used to say about my grandma, she would be shocked and saddened. Hopefully one day my grandma will realize that my mom is just using her. Because that is the ONE thing she is really good at. Using people.

But back to highschool. I'll never forget my peer counseling class. It was a class where a group of students would help each other with their problems.

I would always talk about my mother, how awful she was, and the crazy shit she would pull. I knew they thought I was painting her to be worse than she was, elaborating if you will, because how can anyone be that terrible and crazy?

Well then one day on an especially crazy day of my moms, she got a plain white tee, wrote a bunch of bible verses all over it, and then decided she was going to go to my school to preach.

She found me, and she found me while I was in my peer counseling class. So they got to witness firsthand what I had to deal with at home on a DAILY basis.

After she left they all just hugged me and cried and said how sorry they were that they had ever doubted me and how the heck did I survive living with that?

Well the fact is, I barely did. I got tired of the fighting and screaming matches with her, her physcial abuse, I was in fear for my life. So I "ran away". But really, I just went to a friends house a couple blocks over.

I was compltely safe, much safer than I would have been in my own home. And I even called to tell her where I was going to be staying b/c I was a dutiful daughter.

So imagine my surprise and dismay when the cops showed up and forced me to go home. And I do mean FORCED me.

I refused to go back home, I told them that I left b/c she was being verbally, physically, and emotionally abused by her and I was seeking a safe haven at my friends house.

Well when I refused to go, they cuffed me and put me in the back of the police car and hauled me home. I remember telling the cop that if I was dead the next morning, it would be on him.

Because I didn't want to die at the hands of my insane and abusive mother, 2 weeks after I graduated, I moved out.

I wasn't ready financially or otherwise, and that played a big role in my getting married so young, because I felt I needed to in order to survive, escape, etc. But I had to get out. I wasn't going to last much longer there.

I tried to not look back, even though I felt guilty, like I had abandoned my siblings and was no longer there to protect them from her. But I was in survivalist mode, I had to protect myself.

A lot of bad things happened to my siblings while I was gone, and if I had had the guts, I should have called CPS on her and had them taken away. But I just kind of washed my hands of the situation. 

My sister was raped when she was just 13, and I blame my mom. My mom didn't pay attention to my sister, didn't show her the love and support she needed. I know this b/c she never showed it to me either.

So my sister was susceptible to the wiles of men willing to pay attention to her and show her "love". But she was just a baby. And worse yet, instead of getting my sister help and being remorseful to what had transpired, she instead blamed my sister for it, and was of a woe is me, how could you do this to ME attitude.

So my sister spiraled out of control and began drinking and what not, and was actually found my cops passed out drunk at age 15 on the side of the road in the middle of the night. Why they didn't find fault with my mother and take my sister away, I will never understand.

So it really wasn't much of a surprise when at 16 my sister winds up pregnant by some 33 year old illegal alien that took off at the first word of "baby". This was the real breaking point between us.

I knew my sister was in no way shape or form ready for  a baby. She didn't have a job, the father wasn't in the picture. And that was just the financial and logistical aspects.

Not to mention that my sister has emotional and intelligence issues. It's almost as if she just wasn't born with common sense. Nor did her "maternal" instinct kick in.

So I was shunned b/c I suggested that she give the baby up for adoption. My mother called me all sorts of terrible things, my favorite being "Satan". This is where I stopped talking to her.

And didn't talk to her again until my neice was born. She seemed remorseful and upon the urging of my grandmother I made an attempt to repair the relationship.

But then my birthday came and she disapointed my by not showing up to spend time with me, or even calling. She was too busy gambling. So that was when I finally said enough is enough and cut ties completley.

And I have been so happy ever since. I don't have the constant stress of her drama and the way she likes to hurt and manipulate people. Theres no more disapointments, or worrying about what jam she's got herself into now.

So let me just say MOTHER, since I know you've found my blog and are reading it, DO NOT text me, call me, or leave STUPID anonymous comments on my blog.

Because guess what, I'm getting a restraining order, and those anonymous comments aren't really anyonmyous because the police can and will track down your IP address.

So unless you want to go to jail, which really, might be good for you, then I suggest you leave me the hell alone. You are your own worst enemy.

Everytime you say or do something like this, it just digs the hole deeper. I was willing to let the kids visit with you, but now? FORGET IT. How DARE you try to use Grandpa's good name to guilt me into something? You, madam, are the devil.