In this moment I am happy

The past 6 months have defintely been a rollercoaster ride, to say the least. I've experienced every emotion known in existance: joy, fear, sadness, disgust, anger, disapointment, remorse, contempt, longing, relief, pride, irritation, rage, shame, agony, depression, hopelessness, guilt, loneliness, horror, and anxiety, just to name a few!

I've cried myself to sleep more times than I wish to admit. But I feel like things are finally coming around... at least emotionally for myself... whether it be the antidepressant, or the therapy, or just time healing wounds, I don't know. But I haven't cried in a month... I think that's saying something :)

I don't think most people set out in life saying, I want my marriage to end in divorce, and I want to be a single parent! I didn't sign up for any of this.

I had always wanted children, yes, of course, and now that I have them, I wouldn't trade them for the world, but I don't honestly know, if I had been able to see into my future... if I would have had kids knowing how things turned out.

And it wouldn't just be because I would want to take the easy road for myself... but I would want whats best for my children. And the confusion of coming from a broken home is certainly not whats best for them.

But I've tried to make the best of a shitty sitaution. I know now that the Douchebag and I were not good for each other. It was the best thing in the world for us to split up.

And even though I lament on being a single parent... it's actually probably better for my kids that they are mostly spending time with me. Their father... is not a very good father. He's too selfish.

He made the decision to have kids... he should own up to that responsibilty, but he doesn't. And it's sad. It's his loss more so than anything else though.

I have more than enough love to give to the boys, they don't really need him, but I know he will regret his choices in the future, because I do think he needs them, he just doesn't realize it yet.

It frustrates me to no end that he only wants to be a "fair weather parent" he refuses most of the time to keep them overnights because its "too hard'.

Well I think I have the easiest children in the world to take care of.... so really... it's not too hard. But he doesn't like to deal with anything remotely hard.

I never thought I would be able to do this on my own... I never would have wanted to do this on my own. But I am surprising myself more and more each day with how well I am adjusting to having to do this alone. I can only hope that I'm doing a good job.

I feel like I am really coming into my own now. Understanding myself... loving myself... embracing my past, present, and future. Sure it's scary as hell to think of what my future may hold. Will it hold more sadness and heartache? Or will it hold happiness and love? 

I'm hanging on with hope, and with eyes open wide! :)