It is a circle, there is a plan?

I'd like to think that everything happens for a reason. If I didn't have this belief, I would probably go crazy, and be even more depressed than I already am!

I have to think that the only reason why I stuck it out so long in a bad marriage was because I was meant to have my second baby, Timmy. That little boy just wanted to be born so bad apparently!

I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and that made it difficult for me to concieve my first baby, Charlie. We tried for TWO years to get pregnant with him.

And during those 2 years I suffered two heartbreaking miscarriages. The first pregnancy was twins (yes my father was a twin so I often times ovulate 2 eggs) we lost baby A at 6 weeks gestation, and then lost baby B at 12 weeks gestation.

That quite possibly was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. The second miscarriage was heartbreaking as well, but having been through it before, not as devastating.

That baby was lost at 5 weeks, so I had just barely found out I was pregnant when I then proceded to lose it.

So by the time I got pregnant with Charlie, my entire pregnancy I was on pins and needles, afraid I was going to lose him. But I didn't!

Despite a preganacy frought with problems (unexplained bleeding, a car accident, severe hyperemisis (vomitting up to 20 times a day for 6 months and losing 40 lbs) having an allergic reaction and ending up in the ER due to anaphylatic shock, preterm labor, and preeclampsia) I had a very healthy baby boy in my arms finally!

After having Charlie my PCOS only got worse and despite undergoing hormone therapy for a year I was basically told that if I ever wanted to try to have another child I would have to take fertility drugs to get pregnant.

So The douche and I stopped using protection, thinking that it was impossible for me to get pregnant on my own. And we were right. FOR THREE YEARS.

But then The Doucher and I split up last year because I found out he was having an affair with his 45 year old coworker (yes he has a thing for cougars apparently).

I thought it was over then, but he supposedly came to his senses begged me to take him back and we went to couples therapy. After a month of that we got back together and made up.

And apparently made up so well that it resulted in my miraculously getting pregnant with Timmy! Timmy's pregnancy was far easier than Charlies, although it wasn't fraught with some heartache as well.

Timmy started out as a twin, but baby A never developed further than 5 weeks. Again, here I like to think that everything happens for a reason.

God knew that I would have a hard enough time being a single mom to 2 little boys... I probably couldn't have handled being a single mom to a 4 year old and newborn twins!

Despite my woe is me attitude about having to be a single mom, I still love my kids and wouldn't trade them for the world.

And I have to believe that the reason I had to suffer so much heartache from their father is simply because I was meant to have these children.

And for that I will always be thankful, and I can't have too many regrets about my failed marriage. I'm trying to look at it as a learning experience... that's what keeps my head up!