Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
I hate that I feel like an empty shell of myself. I hate that I've let 3 guys ruin me for possibly forever... I wish I were stronger and had more confidence and faith in myself and in the human race that I will be happy again someday. Because as of right now, I feel that is an impossiblity.
I want to feel happiness again. To be able to feel joy in the everyday life that is raising two little kiddos. Right now I feel like I can't really offer them all of me, all of my love. And I hate that I let stupid men steal that ability of me, from my kids. It's not fair to the kids... they did nothing wrong... they shouldn't suffer just because Mommy is unhappy and feels incapable of connecting with them for the time being...
Don't get me wrong... I take care of them and still give them hugs and kisses and tell them I love them, because I do... but I don't know if they can tell that there is just this underlying sadness underneath it all, and I wish I could be the happy fun mommy again.
I hate that I've gone from being a social butterfly and always wanting to spend time with my friends to just kind of... eh... not really making much effort to interact with them because I just don't know what to say about how I'm feeling... or if they even get it. I know they love me and its not fair that I'm letting our relationships suffer just because of the boy drama that has happened in my life lately.
I hate that I miss the way I used to feel about The Douchebag... the way I felt on my wedding day... and wishing, but knowing its impossible to feel that way again... not neccessarily with him... because that ship has sailed, way too many burned bridges, but with anyone... ever again. I hate that I miss The Smooth Operator... and all the sweet things he would say and do... now that I know it was all lies... I feel like so much has been tainted. I even miss something about The Player... the way I felt falling asleep, and waking up in his arms. Again... all just for show... no real true feeling... on his part at least.
I hate that I miss having someone in my life that actually gave a damn about me (or at least pretended to) and I know my friends do... but its not like my friends text or call me every morning when I wake up, asking about, and caring about, how I slept, and the simple fact that I'm still alive. I could die today... and how long would it take before anyone even realized (and again, not being suicidal, just sayin' that something could happen to me, and it would be quite awhile before anyone thought to check...)
I hate that I'm depressed... and that I feel like theres no hope for happiness... I hate that I'm weak in believing the bad things The Douchebag has said to me... I hate that I have so much hate, especially of myself!
I was in that place too - hoping to feel joy in a sunny day instead of grumbling to myself about how I just stubbed my toe and letting that cascade into a terrible day. It's hard not to feel like, "If only I could just make myself feel differently". But time will do that for you. Keep thinking about it and talking it out and you'll be there before you know it! I hope you feel better soon... xoxo - Adi
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