Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
The majority of these questions have been hard, in their own ways, and rightfully so. This is supposed to be 30 days of truth.
You being totally honest with yourself and the world... and examining some possibly dark truths about yourself.
But this question today... is hard for me because it makes me admit that I failed at something, and I'm the type of person that prides herself in her successes, and wanting to be the best at everything I try.
Failure is hard for me to deal with. Copping to making mistakes is hard too. But here it is... I made the mistake of marrying both too young, and to the wrong person.
And I failed at one of the biggest parts of adulthood... being a good enough mate to my partner. No... the marriage failure was not all The Douchebag's fault... yes... most of it was, but a lot of the blame should lie at my feet as well.
I made mistakes too... hurt him also... broke his trust also... in some ways was not supportive or understanding enough... picked stupid fights... In many ways I could have been a better wife to him.
But even still, despite my flaws and shortcomings... still doesn't give him an excuse to treat me the way he did. And I should have known from the beginning that we were a bad match...
I shouldn't have ignored the red flags and warning signs... At the first sign of trouble I should have walked away. But I didn't... and that was my biggest mistake of all.
Expecting too much from someone who just simply was incapable of being the person I needed him to be. I was just a stupid 17 year old girl, who had never been in love before and was so caught up in the fairy tale romance of it all that I took the stance that ignorance is bliss... that love can conquer all... but I was wrong...
I put up with so much that I shouldn't have... his temper... his abuse... both physical and mental... his infidelity... And why? Because I was afraid to admit to myself that I had fallen in love with a bad person?
I kept thinking that I could change him, shape him into what I wanted and needed him to be... that once he got older... matured... he would be better... but that "better" day never came.
Don't get me wrong... there were of course good moments... especially in the beginning. But as the days turned into weeks, which turned into months, which turned into years... somehow I had let almost 9 years pass... and I still wasn't happy.
There was a pivotal moment in the first year of our relationship... a moment where I had an opportunity to end it for good... and where I really should have.
He had given me a "promise" ring... a ring that supposedly meant that when highschool was over he would actually propose marriage... but until then the ring served the purpose of saying this is proof of my love until that day.
Inside was inscribed "Together Forever" and it would be that mantra... that kept me taking him back time and time again when I should have washed my hands of him.
But in that first year of our relationship... I found out he was trying to fool around on me... and I flushed that ring down the toilet.
It broke his heart and he threatened suicide if I didn't take him back... he knew that was a good button to push with me... and so I let myself believe his lies... that he was sorry... that he would never do it again... that he loved only me... forever and always....
Most of you are probably shaking your heads at me... going "AMANDA! Why! Why would you marry a guy who in the first year of your relationship tried to cheat on you?!"
And all I can say is sometimes I don't really understand it either... I should have known better... I did know better... and yet I still entered into what should have been a lifetime committment with someone of questionable character.
The only thing I can plead is the stupidity of youth... but then you can say "But why oh why after you realized he hadn't changed... that he kept cheating... again... and again... and again... did you still stay?"
And all I can plead is the stupidity of wanting to believe the best of someone... In theory I could have saved myself many years of misery... had I only walked away at the first sign of trouble... but there is no way of knowing what would have happened in my life if I had.
Part of me wants to believe that I would have led a far happier, better life, with a much better husband... but who can say for sure? Maybe I would have ended up a lonely recluse... or maybe I would have ended up with someone even worse than he...
I can say for sure I wouldn't have Charlie and Timmy... and that's a sad thought. So I can wish all I want that I hadn't married the douchebag... but the fact is, I did.
I made mistakes... but I'd like to think I've learned from them... and yes I've gone through a lot of heartbreak... but I also got two beautiful amazing children out of the package...
And I have the rest of my life to look forward to spending with my children... and I'd like to believe that somewhere out there... there is a man that I will be able to call my best friend, my lover, my confidante, because I still want to believe in true love and happiness.
This time around though... I'm not rushing... I'm not settling... I'm listening to my heart, yes, but also my mind as well.
And I will refuse to ignore red flags and warning signs this time. I've been through enough bad relationships... I'm ready to have a good one... with the right person... when the time is right :)
No comments:
Post a Comment