You keep your riches and I'll sew my stitches

Day 8 of 30's days of truth rolling down the line... And it's gonna be a long one, so brace yourself!

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Hmm... anyone wanna take a stab in the dark as to who I'm going to say? Yup... you've guessed it! THE DOUCHEBAG!

I've already bitched and moaned about him... and what he has done lately to make my life hell... but let me give you a little background as to why exactly this whole split has been so... life shattering to me... and you can see just why I put up with so many years of unhappiness.

Let's go back to my junior year of highschool. Things were going swimmingly. I had a great group of friends, I was doing fantastic in school, had a 3.9 GPA and was on the fast track to going to an Ivy League school.

 My family had always hoped I would become a doctor, in fact it was my grandpa's dying wish to me. So even though I favored the arts over sciences, I was still really good at science and focused my studies there.

I worked super hard to get a summer internship at OSU... something that hundreds of people apply for... and only a select few actually get chosen.

I worked my butt off for that, keeping my grades up, writing essays, getting teacher reccomendations... and it paid off because I got it!

So I was looking forward to my summer... I was going to be interning in the science department at OSU, living with my best friend in Corvallis, and getting to see my then boyfriend at the time (we shall call him Mr. Teddybear) more because he went to the U of O and Corvallis is a lot closer to Eugene than Tualatin was (which was wear I was living at the time).

Then... I met The Douchebag. And my world totally changed... I fell in love... and I let that love for him totally encompass my entire life. I left my boyfriend in the dust for him...

I stopped hanging out with my friends as much because he wanted to spend every spare moment with me... it was a whirlwind romance... something I had only heard and seen in movies and I thought I was so lucky to have found someone to feel this way with.

And so when he demanded so much of me, and so much of my time, I gave in... I didn't want to lose him, or that feeling. I sacrificed my ENTIRE future for him.

Where before I looked forward to my summer internship... I worried about going... he kept saying things like... you know if you go... then we won't see each other for 3 months... so much can happen in 3 months... and so... what do you think I did... do you think I followed my hopes and dreams... or do you think I submitted to his wishes?

Yup... as you know... that was just the very first time that I sacrificed my happiness, for his. And it only went downhill from there... the next thing I gave up was the dream of going to an Ivy League school... because as you know... those are all far away on the east coast... and... he kept saying... you know... if you go away so far to college.... who knows what could happen... so I shut that dream down, in fear of losing him.

Then I thought I'd go to a school nearby... but then... he kept saying things like... you know... if you spend so much time going to school... then we won't spend as much time together... and who knows what could happen.... ugh... you get the point, right?

So even though I always knew I wanted to be a wife and mom... I still had hopes and dreams of going to college... just so that I could have a good degree to fall back on... just in case... well... he just couldn't stand the thought of me pursuing my dreams... it had to be all about him... and spending time with him, making HIM happy.

So I can't totally blame him for EVERYTHING... I let it happen... I let him get in my head and I let the fear control me... but I was only 17, can you blame me?

Oh well... I can't totally regret everything... like I say... had I never met him... I would not have Charlie and Timmy... so I try not to live too much in regret... but I just want people to understand... how much he stole from me... how much I let him steal from me... and it is because of that... I now find myself in a pretty pickle trying to support myself and two kids on the income of a retail job... if I had that degree to fall back on... things would be a lot easier... but somehow... someway... I'm going to make this work... I just have to.

I don't want to lose my kids... I don't want to let him win... I want to prove that I don't need him... that he doesn't control me anymore... It just gets really hard sometimes... and like I told him the other day... he has no idea what its like to be me... to not be able to sleep at night because you worry about bills... he has his mom, and a sugarmomma to fall back on and to take care of him.

I have nobody to fall back on, or to take care of me... and because I gave up college for him, I don't have very good means to take care of myself.

But in the end... I know my life will be better, and I will be a happier person than he... he may think he has it made now living responsilbilty free with his sugarmommy... but karma will come back around to bite him in the ass.

It's funny... because whenever someone cheats on you and leaves you for someone, you always fear it's because they left you for someone younger, thinner, prettier... but in my case it was the exact opposite... he left me for someone older, fatter, and uglier... my friend Alisha seeing them together the other night and sending me pictures of her (because I had never seen her) was a huge ego boost.

He left me for THAT? I mean... I know the saying, those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones... I know I'm no supermodel... but I do know that I have a cute face with pretty eyes and a smile... she is just not... even attractive in the least... and I know I'm not skinny by any means... but at least 1) im actively working to change that, and have lost half the weight needed to be at my goal weight and 2) im proportioned...

I have the curvy womanly shape, bigger hips and tatas and smaller middle... she is just yeah... nothing going on in the tata department, which is unfortunate for The Douche cuz he's totally a tata man haha. But huge everywhere else... all my friends called her a whale... I wouldn't be that harsh... okay maybe I will... I mean, she totally wronged me and the kids... so in my mind... she deserves all the abuse...

But yea... seeing just what I was left for... put everything in perspective... that it really was just a matter of... he didn't want responsibility anymore... he was tired of getting busted for cheating... and he wanted the finer things in life that I wouldn't provide him because I thought the kids should come first before he got the latest video game, or pair of shoes, or hat.

He truly has found his perfect woman in the Homewrecking Whore.. it makes sense now why she is willing to turn a blind eye to his cheating... if I looked like her too, I wouldn't want to rock the boat either if a man was willing to stay with me.

But then again... is it really worth it when he's only with you for your money and what you can buy him, and that with you he can escape the responsibilites he had with me and the kids?

He has the perfect setup with her... shes gone every other week so he can get his freak on with whomever he wants... and she will be none the wiser...

I guess if I had money too and was willing to let my man cheat on me... then it wouldn't matter how much of an old ugly whale I was...